


Endless

by ArcticGarou



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Hurt, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Sex, Lots of Hurt, Memory Loss, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:42:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 45,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22540426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticGarou/pseuds/ArcticGarou
Summary: Effected somehow by the Leviathan, Shepard no longer remembers her romantic relationship with Garrus.  But her body doesn’t seem to agree with her new-found tunnel vision.  Fighting with her own muscle memory of their time together, mistakes in her past threaten to resurface.  Was the Leviathan right?  Is the mission the only thing that should ever matter?  What could be bigger or more important than saving the entire galaxy?This is a different and more realistic take on a theory I’d written before in Back Where We Belong, inspired by some of the comments I’d received.  I’d planned on putting it in as a Part 3, but I think it is too different and needs a place of its own
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 64
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

“Okay, you made your point. Will you help stop the Cycle?”

The image of Ann Bryson seemed to ponder for only a moment before the deep voice spoke through her again. “I have searched your mind. You are an anomaly, yet that is not enough.” She turned her back to me and I could sense the finality, this Leviathan creature fully intent on leaving me here in this endless darkness and continuing to hide.

“Wait!” I reach out and grabbed her shoulder before she could dissolve again, turning her body back to face me, but the expression set into her eyes did not change.

“The Cycle will continue.”

“No! You’ve been watching. You _know_ this cycle is different.” The Protheans had made sure of that, even after their own demise.

“We will survive. You will remain here as a servant of our needs. The Reapers will harvest the rest.”

Anger flowed through me, thinking of those fighting up on the surface, as well as the Normandy in orbit, and the countless other battle grounds across the galaxy. “If you release me, no one has to be harvested!”

“Nothing will change.”

Yet, as certain as it sounded, I knew I had our ace-in-the-hole. “The Reapers know where you are! You can’t just watch anymore, you have to fight!” Its chosen figure didn’t respond, or even move immediately, so I pushed harder. “Even if you survive the battle today, the Reapers won’t stop. Ever. Release me, and we have a chance to end this once and for all.”

The image of Ann turned away again, remaining silent for a few long moments, before disappearing entirely. All that was left was the cold, watery darkness surrounding me, feeling like it was closing in as well as stretching on forever, no matter where I looked. It was the same place the others had spoken of when under the Leviathan’s control and I felt a moment of terror and panic. My first thoughts were of Garrus and the others, sitting up at the surface fighting off waves of Reapers, waiting for me to return. But while I feared I wouldn’t, I had to remain determined. I swore with everything in me that I would never stop trying, never stop fighting until they _did_ released me and I could finish this war!

I almost started when the image of Ann reappeared before me. “Your confidence is singular.”

My irritation, already high, only grew when she started to stalk around me like an appraisal of its collection. “I earned it; out there fighting, where you _should_ be.”

Coming around and past me again, her figure stopped, turned out into the darkness for another few terminal seconds. When it faced me its form shifted, becoming the image of Garneau once again. But it maintained the sound and feel of superior smugness, shattering the barest compliment in its words. “It is clear why the Reapers perceive you as a threat. Your victories are more than a product of chance.” But before I could respond, it vanished again. I turned to see Assistant Hadley some distance behind, stalking towards me with that same air. “We will fight. But not for you, or any lesser race.” Stopping evenly beside me, it displayed all the confidence and arrogance I’d come to expect in our short encounter. “We were the first, the apex race. We will survive. But you will still be useful to us.” Ice ran down my spine as he continued forward, only to come face-to-face with me as Ann again. “You will be our tool in their defeat, but you must be at your most effective.” That same claw-like pressure on the edges of my mind returned, as if its hands had reached out and grabbed my brain through my skull. The icy-cold spread out into every corner of my body as the pressure continued to build, yet its voice still rung soundly in my head. “Your distraction will be removed.”

An image of Garrus flashed through my mind as a scream of fear and pain ripped its way from my throat. And then it vanished with most of the searing sensation, and I couldn’t remember why I had been so terrified of its presence. The thought was confusing, pulsing what painful pressure still coursed through me as the human image of the creature continued on. There were other words, of… Reapers and their overdue tribute, but its voice had retreated outside my mind and became muddled through the haze around me. Not that it seemed to care, or even take notice as my head lulled forward; my vision swam with a mix of the surrounding darkness and the diving mech controls I’d almost forgotten about. It was like a waking dream, but it was so hard to tell which was real and which was the charade in front of me. I could just make out the sound of alarms, blaring their warnings as the mech threatened to collapse in on itself. The darkness seemed to release me, but I only felt a shadow of the motion my arms made to activate the jet controls, throwing me back into the seat. Yet the pain of the collision was no shadow, adding a strong throbbing to the confusion, but I was moving upward and something told me that that was good.

The mech shook again when the motion stopped suddenly, dropping me back on some kind of solid ground. The darkness of the Leviathan released me again, though I’d hardly noticed it around me as I fought for consciousness, and I fumbled across the controls until the hatch cracked open. Gasping in the real, fresh air, I tumbled forward and collided with the hard metallic surface, only my armor to stop the momentum. A groaning sounded as the large mech tumbled back over the side, reclaimed by the roaring ocean behind me and Leviathan deep below. I struggled away from it, though part of me wondered why I would, the darkness had been so calm and peaceful.

No! It was far from it, but even if it had been, peace was something soldiers earned, and I knew my war was far from over. I had to find a way back to my feet and keep fighting. The sounds of battle raged on near enough, but my body seemed almost sluggish to respond. “Kara!” It was strange to hear my given name on the battlefield, followed quickly by a familiar feeling hand taking hold of my arm and hauling me away from the wet metallic floor, looping it around his high shoulder. The claw-like tendrils were instantly back on the edges of my mind, and when a second hand closed around my waist they sunk in and dragged me back down into the darkness again.

It seemed to hold me for longer this time, but without the demerit of its arrogant company it was hard to know for sure. But it stoked my fear the longer I sat on… what my mind decided was something like ground in this infinite place. I started to think the ‘omnipotent’ was going back on its word to free me, to let me fight directly. But as that fear turned back into angry determination, the depth of the darkness seemed to shift and fade, becoming something much more familiar and reminiscent of unconsciousness. It brought with it a growing pain, but I reveled in it, knowing that its presence meant I was still alive, still me. My current state was temporary and the vertigo of blackness I was falling through would subside. The feeling was also distinctly familiar, memories of similar situations from my time on the original Normandy. While it was a long time ago now, the feeling of the Beacon and Cipher, the strain and taxing it had put on my mind were worse to bare, and with far less pressing issues at hand.

The reassurance in that thought gave me the last bit of clarity I needed to see that I was not falling, but rising. And it came to an abrupt stop when I lunged up and gasped in the air I felt I so desperately needed, raking it into my lungs and forcing it back out through painful coughs. It filled my eyes with blurring moisture and shapes of people as they took hold of my shoulders and guided them back down to the stiff surface I sat on. The voices were muffled by my own sounds, but my attention followed as another face pushed closer. A blinding light cleared the rest of my vision and it was a relief to see Doctor Chakwas’ face beyond it.

Her own expression seemed to mold into something more relaxed as our eyes focused on each other’s. “Be still, Commander. Your body is still recovering from the deep cold, as well as whatever else happened to you down there.” I took a deeper breath, letting it out slowly as the pain eased in my chest as well. “We’re all on our toes to hear just what that might be, but first off; how are you feeling?”

“Like a weight’s been added on the inside of my skull, but I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, I’ve no doubt about that.” I turned towards the humor in her voice, raising my eyebrow at her implications before she gave voice to them. “Haven’t met anything that could stop you yet. But to be certain I want you in here for regular checkups, at least for a few days.”

Her words brought my eyes to the ceiling behind her and was relieved to see the new Normandy’s Medical Bay. “I think I could manage that Doc.” Her own eyebrow raised in doubt. “But only if you insists.” The brow dropped again, accepting the answer she’d obviously been expecting as she opened her Omni Tool and started scanning.

I took only a moment to relax, close my eyes and regain my bearings before pulling myself up into a sitting position. She huffed in annoyance, shifting her stance to better continue her work. “Well, since you refuse to cooperate willingly, why don’t you at least sit still and tell us what happened down there?”

With my own slightly frustrated exhale, I straightened to almost attention, just to annoy her a little further, and started my basic debrief. “Well, we found it. It’s real and a lot more than we ever imagined.”

“Was it worth almost dying for?”

It was a question she’s asked many times in just as many different ways, especially when it came to things like the Beacons and Cipher. This time, however, my answer was not so certain. It had been an unknown risk that it might not let me go, and it could have cost us everything, just as it may have helped us. But I was silent for too long to tell her anything but the raw truth. “I don’t know, but we proved it can’t hide anymore… that it’s part of this war, just like us. And it’s gonna help fight.”

“Is sounds like an impressive accomplishment.” My gaze was drawn up towards the ceiling by EDI’s voice, but it pulled a less that heart-filled laugh from me.

“Yeah. One for the history books.” While it wasn’t a lie, it was hard to classify, or even prove how much was actually true. It was like nothing we’d ever encountered before, but we’d clearly made it off of the Reaper-infested planet with at least everyone else intact.

When my eyes dropped from the ceiling, they immediately landed on the other occupants of the room. Mordin was in conversation with Eve, flat Salarian nose buried deep in his data pad, but he still spared a moment to smile and nod at me. A grand gesture indeed if it took him away from his experiments. Eve herself was watching me closely, though it looked more like a half-hearted attempt to escape more of his insistent questions. As I nodded to her knowingly, gaining the same in response, the door opened with almost a sense of urgency, reflected in the large Turian that practically pushed his way through them before they fully parted. It was good to see him safe and sound, but the wide flare of his mandibles looked strange, not a gesture I’d seen on him before. But I _had_ collapsed on him planet-side, so I wrote it off and turned back towards the Doctor.

Her expression looked almost confused for a moment, but the chiming on her Omni Tool pulled her attention again. “Well, there seems to be no damage to any of your systems or cybernetics, but I’m reading some interesting shifts in your neural pathways. It could be your cybernetics rerouting any possible damage that was done down there, which could be good, as long as it’s only temporary. We will find out more about that in your follow-ups.” She eyed me seriously, like she doubted I would actually come back. “But what worries me more are the scans I performed while you were still unconscious; almost no brain activity at all, beyond basic motor function keeping your body alive. We were worried we might actually have lost you for a while.”

While I understood her concern, I was distracted and surprised by the fact that she didn’t comment on Garrus practically hovering over her shoulder. He was watching me closely with a look I didn’t know how to interpret and I found myself wanting to look back. The strange thought brought a distinct and familiar chill to the nape of my neck, like sharp fingers crawling their way up and sliding around the back of my brain waiting to take hold. I fought the incredibly strong urge to shiver at the disturbing feeling, forcing my full attention back to the Doctor, only to feel like all eyes in the room had landed on me at the same moment. Where they expecting me to have an answer? I was alive, awake and functioning… or was it something else? Something they were not looking forward to telling me. Had something happened down there that I didn’t know about yet?

Feeling my own features shift slightly with concern, I turned my look from the Doctor back to Garrus, who I hopped would explain.

“I’ll give you two are moment while I add these new scans to my report.” Her tone sounded suggestive and I felt a trickle of panic sink in. Who else had been on the surface with us? _Cortez and Vega_. Were they alright, had something happened that I couldn’t remember?

“Are you sure you’re okay, Shepard?” His focus seems wholly intent on me and I relax slightly; he would have told me outright if something had happened, he knew the mission was most important.

“Yeah, I’m alright as soon as Doc says I’m ready to fly.” He let out a louder breath, like he’d been holding it back, and his features soften more than I'd ever seen before, mandibles flexing outward again. Instantly at that sight the sharp, claw-like feeling stroked dangerously inside the back of my head. Hardly catching the shiver before it ran straight down my spine, my eyes closed as I tried to force its grip loose.

“Never do that again.” The feeling flares stronger and I snap my eyes open at his words, sounding almost like an order. While it wasn’t like him to be directly insubordinate, I was even more startled by his proximity. Instantly my hand flew up and hit flat again his chest piece, pushing us both back as he leaned far closer than we’d ever been outside of combat situations before. But we weren’t just Commander and subordinate, so I tried to play it off with a friendly smile.

“Whoa there, big guy. Personal space.” I was thankful that the claws seemed to loosen, some of the pressure inside my skull dissipating, but my hand on his armor felt… strangely at home. Pulling it back quickly, unsure what was going on with me, I was surprised to easily read the look of pain on his plated face. Growing steadily more confused and uneasy, I turned back to Doctor Chakwas in hopes of an explanation or an out… hoping more for the latter as Garrus took a staggering step backwards. Her expression was wide and unreadable as ever, but actually meeting my eyes she seemed to understand enough to get the hint. Stepping up with the data pad, ready for my section of the report, I was perfectly content to take it and not watch the glances I could feel exchanged between them. Even feeling the eyes from Mordin’s side of the room, I was able to ignore them as I focus on getting all the details I could remember onto the data pad, to be sent to both the Council and Alliance High Command.

It was almost therapeutic in a respect, blocking out everything else as the mission took priority. Especially with a report like this, feeling so incredibly unbelievable. That fact made me slightly nervous, but at least now they had less reason to doubt me, with the Reapers breathing down all our necks. That thought gave me the confidence to finish out the report with every last detail, signing it with a finality before handing it back to the Doctor.

“You’ll send this out with your preliminary?”

“Of course, Commander, but…” I met her eyes again and was surprised to see her concern so plainly. Through everything that had been thrown at us, her bedside manner had been impeccable. To break it now gave me nervous pause. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

Frustration was starting to push its way up, as it always did with those kinds of questions. It was more important to return to the mission than answer numerical questions about my pain levels. “Yes, I feel fine. Some minor pressure sometimes, but not that different from what I’ve felt before.”

“Is there anything that could be triggering it?” Her voice even sounded a little eager, like she hoped to put a finger on something that was practically normal for me ever since Eden Prime.

“It’s seems pretty random to-” instantly the feeling is back, stronger than before and I shut my eyes as I try to still the tremor running up my spine after it.

“-mander? Commander, can you hear me?” As if the feeling had suddenly released me, my eyes snapped back open to find Doctor Chakwas standing much closer than she had been, Omni Tool open and already scanning again. It chimes as my gaze drops to it, but she is more focused on me. “We lost you for a minute there. Are you alright?”

That damn question again, but I tried to keep any annoyance out of my voice. “Yeah, Doc, I’m fine. I feel pretty normal otherwise.” She looks like she didn’t believe me, but also like she can see through my calm demeanor. She always was a little too good at that, but it didn’t mean I was going to like her response.

“I think we should keep a closer watch on you, at least for a few days. Just to make sure it doesn't get worse or cause any trouble for you on mission.”

No, I didn’t like it, but I also knew it was a reasonable assessment. “If you think so, Doc.”

Again she saw right through me. “It will be just like a concussion, Commander, nothing that would intrude too much, and only until we can be sure it’s nothing else.” I nod, reluctantly accepting, and hoist myself off the medical bed, thankful that there was no dizzy feeling like concussions usually give. It should be resolved in no time. “Garrus, you’ll keep a watch at night? I know Turian don’t need quiet as much sleep as Humans do.” Instantly the sharp pressure is back, but I ignore it as I turn towards their conversation. Without even checking with me he’s already nodding his acceptance of the task. “Monitored sleeping, normal quantities unless we see a need to change it, and keep an eye out for anything that might be causing these changes, if it happens again.”

“Of course, Doctor.”

“ _You’re_ going to watch me… while I’m sleeping?” They both turn to look at me as if _I’m_ the one who said something strange, but I feel the need to drive my point home as the pressure inside my head gets tighter. “I’m sure EDI will be doing it already, but hey, Doctor’s orders. Sorry if I snore at all.” Hell I could hear the frustration in my voice over the sensations, even if it was starting to feel like listening through water.

“Shepard…” I glance over at Garrus, trying not to squint through the pressure, flaring painfully as he stepped closer again. Thankfully he was still an arm’s length away. “What do you remember about us?”

It was a strange question, but it was hard to think about why. My hand came to rub at my forehead, as if some subconscious thought hoped it would relieve what was inside. “Hell, Garrus, we’re friends, but sharing a room is a little different, don’t you think?”

There was a strange sound that immediately made me think of fear and pain, muddled through the feeling inside my head, and as he stepped just inside my reach again I realized it was coming from him. Glancing up I found what could only be described as utter devastation and shock on his face. His mandibles seemed loose and hanging down, his eyes wide and hyper focused on me. It made me warm and almost excited for a moment, like I had to remind myself I should feel uncomfortable with him in my personal space again. “Shepard, we’ve been-”


	2. Chapter 2

Blackness. Like with the Leviathan, but I was alone again. At least the pressure was gone. Somewhere in the far back on my mind I was curious as to why I didn’t find this darkness odd, coming up out of nowhere like it did, but I was too grateful for relief from the pressure on my brain to pay it any mind. But I couldn’t help reminding myself that it wasn’t time for rest or relief.

Almost like it was some kind of switch, the darkness released back into a very bright light. I flinched away from the drastic change, squinting through it before the light itself dropped and Doctor Chakwas came back into view. Blinking a few times to clear the spots in my vision, I was about to ask what she was blinding me for when the comm came active, a familiar accented voice breaking the tense moment.

“ _Commander, Admiral Hackett is waiting for you and your report on vid-comm_.”

Still blinking, I turn towards the ceiling with an almost profound sense of relief. “Thank you, Traynor. I’ll be right up.” Anything that would get me out of this room and away from the strange atmosphere steadily growing in it. Pushing aside those more selfish concerns, I turn back to Chakwas as the channel closes. “Anything else, Doctor?”

“Commander, I don’t like these black outs.” Her tone was far too serious for me to get upset over it, but I was even more shocked as she continued. “And I think you may be suffering from some memory loss on top of them.”

My brow wrinkled together as I thought about it, scouring for anything that could be a gap, or at least a sign of one. It was almost a sigh of relief when I found and felt nothing; it was no perfect memory, but the clarity of the mission so far told me it was all intact. All I could do was shrug at the concern that was still painted plane on her face again. “I don’t feel like I’m missing anything, Doc., no gaps or fuzzy areas… at least until after Leviathan.”

Her look didn’t change and I knew what she would say even before she turned back to her data pad. “Still, I’d like you to report back here immediately after your debrief with Admiral Hackett. We need to look at this far more closely.”

That meant possibly hours spent away from the mission, and that was time no one could afford in the middle of a war. There were times I’d forgone sleep just to make sure everything was getting done, and right the first time. But the look on her face now was similar to that after coming in contact with the Thorian and then the Cipher back on Feros: follow the Doctor’s orders or she’ll have you medically relieved of duty until you do. Either way, I had no time for an argument with Hackett waiting and a galactic war to win. “Alright, Doc, I’ll be right back.”

With a brisk nod, I watched her turn and upload the combined report into the terminal at her desk before sending it out. Giving myself a once-over, to make sure I was presentable, I straightened my shoulders and headed for the Med Bay doors. They opened for me as they should, which was a good sign that she hadn’t sealed me from the controls, and my stride was confident as I crossed to the elevator. Even if she was right, and there _was_ something missing, the crew, as well as the Council and Alliance needed to see me in control.

The ride felt long, but I was greeted by warm faces as I passed through the CIC. Being brought onboard unconscious was not always good for morale, and everyone was making themselves known to greet me or say how good it was to see me up and moving so quickly. Traynor even paused her work for a moment to smile at me as I passed. It was a warmer welcome than I expected, but given the current galactic situation, it’s not surprising that people would cling to as much good news as possible. With that in mind, I returned every smile and nodded my thanks as I pushed towards the War Room.

I was not surprised by a similar greeting from the guards at the scanner, but I felt a brief and shocking moment of tension as I stepped forward. Would any of Chakwas’ readings effect the machine, designed for maximum galactic security? I squashed the thoughts as I stepped through, not even sure where the idea had come from, and was met with the positive chime on the other side. I couldn’t help the relieved feeling, but pushed it from my mind as I stepped through the doors.

There was another round of welcomes on the other side, but coming from our other dignitaries it felt more like an understanding. We were all taking risks to ensure the safety of the galaxy and as many of our own people as we could. Wrex thumped his hand heavily against my shoulder while Primarch Victus tried to smother a look of awe.

“Stopping Saren and fighting Collectors and Reapers wasn’t enough for you, hey Shepard? You gotta find another way to one-up the rest of the galaxy?” I couldn’t help the lopsided smile I threw up at the large Krogan.

“You know me, Wrex; whatever it takes to get the job done.”

“As long as the same holds true for the Genophage.”

Letting my hand hit a little harder against his arm, a return of his own gesture, I nodded and took the silent moment that followed to duck past them. That weight was almost as heavy on me as the Reapers, but thankfully I didn’t have to shoulder it alone. But I couldn’t think about Mordin right now. He was back down in the Med Bay, where I would be returning soon enough, and that wasn’t something I was looking forward to.

Rising the few steps, I could already hear the comm chiming before stepping through the doors. Closing them behind me and crossing to the new multi-panel display, I called up the feed and stepped back as the Admiral flickered into view.

“Commander, I’ve just finished reading through your report.” I could hear the barely contained awe in his voice, but unlike the Primarch his features were neutral, if only bordering on gratified. We both knew now was not the time to invest too much in hope, but also that it could help give us that extra push.

“The Alliance wanted more intelligence on the Reapers. I’d say we got it.”

“Our people will be studying it for years to come. They’re already calling it the Leviathan Codex. It rewrites galactic history as we know it.”

I brushed aside the implied commendation, turning my focus forward. “Whatever else it means, it tells me the Reapers had a beginning… and maybe now we’ll provide them with an end.”

“That’s one way to look at it. I guess it’s the only way.” He sounded resigned, but resolute as we both stared in the face of near impossible odds. But then his face turned serious again. “I’ve also received an initial report of your medical eval. Anything we should worry about?”

I can feel the cold of the darkness, as if it’s lurking right behind me, but I stand at attention, using my focus to keep it at bay. “The Doctor thinks there could be some minor memory loss, a possible concussion, but nothing serious or debilitating, Sir. I’m still on mission.”

His eyes seemed to widen in surprise, but it was gone so fast it could have been a flicker of the comm link so I ignore it. “Glad to hear it. Get out there, and make it happen.” I snap to attention and salute. “This is a big step in the right direction, Shepard. Good Work.”

“Thank you, sir.” I drop my hand as he reaches his own forward to close the connection.

“Hackett out.” His holo disappears and I give myself just a single moment braced against the railing to pull in a few breaths before turning back to the galaxy that was always waiting for me. As I did I almost jump out of my skin, that galaxy suddenly narrowing down to the one person I hadn’t expected or noticed entering the room.

“Garrus.” His arms were folded under the large section of his chest armor, looking for all to see as if he were calm and relaxed. But the nervousness in my own body told me he was tense, forcing the stance, though I didn’t understand how I knew that… or why I felt the sudden urge to cross to him, to step close like he had in the Med Bay. Why I would want to do that was beyond me, and the sudden confusion brought a cold fear with it, as well as the claw-like feeling to the back of my mind once again. Yet, as invasive as it felt, I was almost glad for it, helping to root me where I was and fight the stranger urges my body was feeling.

The deliberation took mere moments, but his eyes watching me stretched the feeling on eternally until he finally spoke. “I’m supposed to be watching you… remember?” Doc had only said at night, but the response stuck in my throat, as if I’d be thrusting an Omni Blade into his gut if I spoke it allowed. It took another long moment before I could force out something-anything else, feeling like bile rising from my throat.

“Oh... right.” It felt weak and pathetic on my tongue and the claw-like feeling was dangerously close to sinking in again. So I turned to face away from him, grasping for anything that could be an out, that could make my limbs stop twitching towards him, wanting to… comfort? “I-I should probably head back down to the Med Bay.” It sounded like the excuse it was, never somewhere I wanted to willingly go. A twitch of his expressions said that he caught it far too easily, so I stumble to add, “before Doc has a fit.”

While the look faded slightly, the tension remained as he steps away from the door, offering me to pass through first. It’s not a surprising gesture, it being my ship an-all, but I lament having to pass so close to him when my body is acting so strangely. We were friends, we shook hands, punched each other of the arm, even comforted each other after losing Ashley on Virmire; it shouldn’t be so awkward to be alone together, but the rush of darkness against the back of my mind spurred me forward quickly and away from him as the door opened. The looks from the others are even more surprised than before as we pass through the war room at such a clipped pace.

“Done so soon, Vakarian?” And Wrex’s voice was the catalyst, sinking the claws in and bringing the darkness crashing down around me again.

It’s an annoyed sigh that leaves me in the empty place, but this time it at least feels like I’m floating with a purpose. In a direction that actually feels like a direction. Leaning towards the feeling, the weight of it starts to lift until it’s like opening my eyes from slumber. Only instead of my in my bed, I was on my feet, standing in front of the door to the Med Bay. Blinking again, to make sure I was seeing my surroundings right, I gave my head one good shake before stepping up to the doors.

They opened to reveal the same scene I had left from, Mordin practically adhered to Eve’s side and Doctor Chakwas standing by the medical bed I had occupied. The sound of the doors brought all their attention to me and I felt like I could understand the fish in the tank upstairs a bit better.

“Back already, Commander?”

“No interruption, Doctor.” I did jump this time when he came through the door behind me, again not realizing he’d even been there. But his eyes didn’t linger on me this time, instead staring intently at the Doc like they were having some silent conversation. It only proved the theory right when she turned back to me with a look of barely masked concern, and it took serious effort not to roll my eyes in increasing annoyance. Why was everyone acting like _I_ was the one not in my right mind? There was nothing wrong with me! The claws slipped across the back of my mind, as if arguing, but I brushed them off easily enough this time.

“So, Doc, what did you have in mind that was so immediately necessary?”

Her Omni Tool was back up before she even answered me or I reached the table. “I want to ask you some question, just to test your memory and find out what is happening.”

This time I did roll my eyes. “I don’t feel any gaps, everything from the report is in there, the mission so far, the Summit, the Genophage…” I gestured to Mordin behind me, without turning. “And I also remember that I have lots of work left to do.”

“I understand, Commander, but it’s important that we know for sure.” Again, I couldn’t argue with the Doctor-logic, so I gave in and climbed back up on the table so she could run her scans. I ignored the glance over her shoulder, in the direction Garrus was still hovering in, and accepted the data pad that she handed me when she turned back. “I want you to answer the questions aloud, as well and write them down, that way we can make sure the neural pathways your brain _is_ using are also working properly.”

Taking another exaggerated breath, I readied the interface and tilted my head up at her. Nodding once and turning back to her own Omni tool, she began.

“When and where were you born?”

I ignored my audience and started filling in the impromptu questionnaire. “April 11th, 2154 on base; my father was on temporary leave from the SSV Davidson and my mother was waiting to start her next tour after her maternity leave was over.”

“What were their names?”

“Jason and Hannah Shepard.”

“How many tours did you accompany them on?”

“After I was old enough that we were deemed an eligible family, my parents had five and six tours. I split the time when they weren’t on the same ship.”

“And when did you enlist?”

“April 11th, 2172; my 18th birthday.”

“Where were your parents stationed at the time?”

“On the SSV Einstein.”

“What ship were you first deployed on after your boot camp?”

“The SSV Monitor.” I glanced up, knowing what her next question was going to be. “I was almost at the end of that tour in 2176 when my father was killed in the Blitz while on leave.” She nodded her understanding, but didn’t turn away, so I continued. “The next year I was sent with my unit to Akuze to search for the missing Pioneer team. There was no evidence of them and when we made camp that night my unit was wiped out by the Thresher Maw. I was the only one to survive and make it back to the LZ.” I turned my head back to the data pad, restarting my transcription of what I was saying. “It wasn’t until 2183, after Eden Prime was attacked and I was sent after Saren as the first Human Spector that I learned Corporal Toombs had also survived, no thanks to the Cerberus scientist that were experimenting on him after unleashing the Maw on us.”

“What are the names of your ground team on the SSV Normandy?”

“Alliance officers Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, who we lost on Virmire when raiding Saren’s Krogan breeding lab; Quarian Tech expert Tali ‘Zorah nar Rayya, who later became vas Neema and then vas Normandy; Turian Garrus Vakarian C-Sec Investigation Division, turned Archangel then expert Reaper advisor; Urdnot Wrex, mercenary who is now the leader of his Krogan clan and looking to cure the Genophage; and Asari Liara T’Soni, Prothean expert and well trained Biotic, turned information broker and now Shadow Broker. Oh, and on-ship we had Joker, Jeff Moreau, pilot, and Karen Chakwas, medical expert.”

Her look was only slightly amused, still more focused on her scans as she continued to ask questions. “What were your main targets on your mission?”

“Eden Prime started our mission. After receiving Specter Status and getting Saren’s revoked, we first hit Feros, freeing the colonists from Geth advances and mind control of the plant-like creature called the Thorian. After that we hit the Artemis Tau cluster, where we eventually found Liara on Knossos; then Noveria where we faced her mother, Matriarch Benezia, who was indoctrinated into working for Saren. Upon freeing the Rachni queen, we headed to Virmire and met up with Kirrahe and his Salarian team; after almost exchanging fire with Wrex, we spoke with a holo of Sovereign, lost Ashley to the bomb that destroyed the facility and had our first face-to-face run in with Saren.

“After that we were grounded by the Alliance _and_ Citadel Council, until Captain Anderson punched Ambassador Udina in the face and helped us steal the Normandy. Taking it through the Mu Relay, we found Ilos and Saren’s Geth, following them through the ruins, spoke with the Prothean hologram Vigil, and then pushed past a platoon of Geth to reach the other Relay. That was the one that took us back to the Citadel in the Mako, where we faced down Sovereign, as well as Saren turned Reaper, and won the battle of the Citadel.”

I paused, taking a few breaths as I finished typing out the same information. Movement brought my attention to the other side of the room, and I couldn’t help but smile at the surprised expression I could see beyond Eve’s shaman veil. But my look turned expectant as it came back around to the Doctor; until I saw her own expression dart toward Garrus again.

“And during your time on the SSV Normandy, did you fraternize with any of the crew?”

My brow wrinkled, not sure why she would be asking that kind of a question, especially in a non-empty room. But, regardless of my confusion and uncertainty, I answered like any other debrief. “No. Though both Liara and Kaidan had expressed interest to me at different times, I did not want it to interfere with the mission or the chain of command.” She simply nodded her head and marked something on her scans.

“And what happened after the Battle of the Citadel?”

“I was sent out on a routine mission, looking for any lingering signs of Geth activity, when the Normandy was shot down over Alchera. I was spaced and correctly reported as KIA.” I heard another subtle but high pitched sound, my eyes instantly glancing to Garrus before he quieted. “My body was recovered, with help from Liara, and given the Cerberus, who rebuilt me and sent me after the Collectors.”

“And who was added to your team at that time?”

“Besides you, Joker, Garrus and Tali; former Cerberus operatives Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor; tank-bred Krogan Urdnot Grunt, Salarian scientist Mordin Solus, Drell assassin Thane Krios, Human mercenary Zaeed Massani, Asari Justicar Samara, Human thief Kasumi Goto, Psychotic-Biotic Jack, and Geth unite code-name Legion.”

“And how did you find the Collectors?”

“We acquired an IFF that would guide us through the Omega 4 relay safely. After we…” I paused, glancing at her, not wanted to bring up any sore subjects. But she simply nodded for me to continue. “After the entire crew was abducted, we followed them through, destroyed the ship that had taken out the first Normandy and crash landed on what was considered their Homeworld. Working our way through, we freed the crew and got them back to the ship before destroying a ‘baby’ Human Reaper and blowing up the entire base, much to the displeasure of the Illusive Man. Then I went on a mission for Admiral Hackett and ended up single-handedly destroying the Bahak system, and killing roughing 300,000 Batarians with the blast resulting from blowing up their system’s Relay. Which I then got locked up for, instead of using the time for preparations-”

“Commander!” I stop suddenly, horrified that I had lost control of my emotions like that. And not just my emotions, as I realized how hard my heart was pounding in my chest and my breaths coming stronger than necessary. “Try to relax, I know these are not all easy topics.”

I nod, trying to ignore my audience as I focus on holding my breaths in longer before letting them out slowly, forcing myself to calm again. “Sorry, Doc. What’s your next question?”

She took a few breaths of her own, putting me right back on edge as I waited. “During your mission to stop the Collectors, you became much closer with your ground-party, correct?”

My brow furrowed again, but refused to look at the eyes I could feel staring at me, trying to answer on reflex like any other debriefing. “Yes. Most of them were there by choice, volunteering for a suicide mission. Even Miranda and Jacob came to understand the situation better while we were all working so closely and even lured into traps by their employer, the Illusive Man. I tried to help everyone get a sense of closure before taking that big a leap on mostly faith, and then surviving with no losses kind of make it like mandatory bonding.”

A small smile lit her face for a moment before she looked back up at me, serious expression falling back into place. “Commander, did you fraternize more closely with anyone in particular on that mission? Anything crossing into the physical-”

All at once my world was black, like a light switch had been flipped. Glancing around me, slowly at first, I knew exactly where I was. I let out another frustrated sigh; I had far more important things to be doing right now then… what _had_ I been doing? I was in the… Med Bay, getting checked out by the Doc… but it really didn’t matter. She’d said I was set, just needing to come back for some follow up tomorrow, not waist more time here in this vast emptiness. I paced, but it didn’t seem like I was going to be going anywhere without a little encouragement. Determination had been the key before, so I gripping my fists at my sides and threw out as much of a mental push as I could. I stumbled, but found it wasn’t because of the force of it. Instead I found that I was half-way through a step as I headed towards the door of the Med Bay. Had… that been all of the questions? I no longer held the data pad and that last faulty step had triggered the doors to open so I wasn’t in lock down.

Glancing over my shoulder, to see if anyone was objecting, I found the eyes in the room looking between each other with uncertainty. Save for one, a single pair of icy blue locked on me with a look I didn’t know how to interpret. He seemed to straighten his hunched posture for a moment when I met his gaze, but I couldn’t fight the strong urge I felt to leave the room. And if no one was going to stop me, then I was going to… no matter how much the deep, resonating pain that sank back in to those eyes seemed to pull at me. It was even more profound than the anger I’d seen in him when he was tracking down Sidonis and awakened a different response from me; to cross back to him and somehow make his pain lessen. But that only brought my focus back into pushing one foot in front of the other until the doors closed between us, providing a barrier to help me control my body.

It was starting to scare me that I kept feeling the need to be so close to him. We were friends, sure, and had grown even closer after Cerberus brought me back. But it had even been a surprise Kelly had suggested holding him after he came on board the new Normandy. I wanted to help him get closure, but we’d done that after finding Sidonis. The mission was what was important, it took primary on everything; he’d been the most supportive of that, so why would I get these strange feelings now?

A shiver ran up my spine as the claws dragged across my mind again, threatening me with more darkness. Physically exercising the force I pushed it with, I jammed my hand against the call button, thankful I didn’t have to wait long for the elevator to open. Whatever was happening with me, it wasn’t important. It was still the mission that mattered, and we had to use all our time and resources to get rid of the Reapers, to make the galaxy safe once again for… for _everyone_ right?

I shook my head again, refocusing on what still needed to be done. In only a matter of minutes I would be alone in my quarters with a mountain of data pads, filled to the brim with what I hoped was helpful information. Then there were messages to respond to, more requests to heed, and even more work than one person could handle. But I was the one to do it… I always was, because I was the only person it seemed that could.

‘ _Your confidence is singular_.’

‘ _Your victories are more than a product of chance_.’

If the Leviathan was so ‘all-knowing’ then it _had_ to be right. The thought brought my head back up high as the doors opened and I crossed the short hallway to my door. A few more steps inside and I spun my chair toward me. It was a strange feeling to sink into it, after such a long day, making it feel like I'd hardly left and putting all the strange occurrences behind me for a while so I could focus.

The data pads were skimmed and put in order of importance and usefulness when my eyelids started feeling heavy. There were never enough hours in a day, but I had more I could give tonight. Mordin had only made so much progress while I'd been looking into the Leviathan, so tomorrow would be filled with the same data pads and other dignitary duties… like trying to make sure the Turian and Krogan leaders didn't piss each other off and destroy my War Room. Blinking past the distracting thoughts, I pulled the most important stack towards me and flipped on the top data pad, rubbing my eyes for just a moment.


	3. Chapter 3

I stirred slightly to a familiar feeling pressure again my cheek. It felt right to turning into it, practically nuzzling against the oddly warm metal. My hands rose of their own accord, from where they’d been resting in my lap, to feel along the marred but still relatively smooth armor for a place to cling to. As if knowing where they were going all on their own, they quickly came to a softer, more flexible fabric and I squeezed against it. There was a faint responding rumble through the metal at my cheek and a falter in the steps carrying me.

 _Carrying?_ I came awake suddenly, tension filling my limbs and shoving me away from the body, feeling the extra-large hands under my shoulder and legs trying to steady and release me at the same time. It only half worked as I staggered and fumbled enough to spin myself towards the intruder before landing on my backside, without damage to anything but my pride.

Eyes shifting up as quickly as I fell, my initial fear and defensive posture vanished in surprise as I looked up and found the same stunned expression reflected back at me in his icy blues. “Garrus, what the _hell_?”

“You… uh, fell asleep at your desk.”

I felt my nose wrinkle at him in annoyance, though not the most professional of gestures, and turned my attention back down to straighten myself out. He was quickly at my side again, putting his hands under my arm and on my waist, but I shrugged him off. It was frustrating enough that he took the liberty, but to know I’d fallen asleep when I should have been working… Finding my own way to my feet, I turned back on him only to have my continued argument about personal boundaries die in my throat. His hands hung awkwardly in front of him, between reaching and retreating, but his face looked like I'd just decked him with the butt of my assault rifle.

Again I felt like my body wanted to move towards him, to slide between his still open arms and grip tightly against his armor. But as I felt one of my feet start to step forward, I closed my eyes and found the darkness already edging in, just beyond sight. It halted the movement before it fully began, not wanting to be engulfed by it again and lose more valuable time.

Taking a step away from him seemed to help, turning away and towards my bed as I tried to focus on why he was here. Heat sprang up in my gut, causing my next step to land unevenly on the perfectly level floor of my quarters. _What the hell_? Glancing back at him for a moment, I wondered why my body would be getting excited by that thought.

Shaking my head again, I tried to think of something else to focus on. I knew there was no getting rid of him, Doctor’s orders, so I tried to break the tension. “I'm not sure how comfortable you'll be in here, or if you'll even be sleeping since Doc wanted you to keep watch on me.” The heat pulsed and started spreading out toward my limbs, racing against the darkness and making me shiver in the suddenly cooler feeling air of the room. But besides the annoyance and frustration, it also brought with it that same sense of fear; why was my body acting so strangely towards him? Ever since I woke up in the Med Bay it hasn't wanted to cooperate with anything that made sense when he was around.

Forcing one foot in front of the other again, I reached the bed and sat down on the edge, lifting one foot to start removing my boots as I fought against the waves of both feelings creeping in on me still. Taking my time with the laces, my mind wandered to how I would go about changing for the night… or what I would even be wearing? I let my breath out in a heavy sigh as my boot hit the floor, ignoring him as best I could while raising the opposite leg to start removing the other. When that one joined its pair, I looked up to find Garrus still watching me, making shivers run up my arms and join in the middle of my back.

“I know you’re supposed to _watch_ me, but does that mean you have to stare?”

I heard a slightly shrill sound from him before he stepped forward and spoke. “What did the Leviathan _do_ to you, Shepard?”

“What are you talking about?” My building frustration brought me to my feet, turning away from his advancing steps and moving up my bed to reach for a pillow; anything to put a barrier between us.

“Why are you acting like this? Help me to understand.”

“Acting like _what_ Garrus? We got what we could from them, now it’s back to the mission. There’s nothing else to it.” The nerves in my arms rang out and I threw the pillow back down, folding them across my chest to keep some illusion of calm and control as he drew close enough to towered over me.

“But what about us?”

My gut twisted and pulled, as if trying to convince me to move towards him again, while the claws raked even more deeply at my mind. It was causing too much disruption in my thoughts for me to be surprised anymore, one of my hands rising to my forehead again to try and push the feeling back physically. I winced as their grip only tightened, sinking in a little deeper and causing an all too real pain to radiate outwards. The water-like sensation in my ears returned, muffling Garrus’ voice till all I heard was “Kara”. Looking up, about ready to reprimand him for the informality, I felt his hands touch my shoulders and the image of him in front of me turned black.

While it was a relief from the pain, it gave me no answers about his own strange behavior. Using my given name, asking such strange questions… or why the simplest touch of his hands sent me back to the same emptiness that Leviathan had kept me in. I turned all the way around, feeling slightly dizzy in the vastness of it, but found no sign of the creature. My annoyance was only increasing with them and whatever part they had to play in this, until suddenly I felt myself falling; really falling this time, almost as if I was suddenly and _finally_ out of their reach. Whatever unseen light had been in the strange darkness was instantly gone and I was left in a truly pitch black, feeling weightless as my mind simply turned off.

When my eyes opened next it was slowly, as if from a much deeper sleep than I was used to. My arm was heavy as I raised it to my head, trying to rub the same feeling from my eyes and force them to open fully. Above me was a much brighter ceiling, belonging to the Medical Bay, not my cabin. Blinking against it, I turned away from the lights to find the Doctor hovering over me again. My brow furrowed, wondering for an instant if I could have dreamed yesterday entirely.

“Good morning, Commander. Nice to have you back with us, yet again.” I groaned and turned back towards the ceiling. No, not a dream… just a constant state of nightmare that was my life… that strangely all seemed to culminate in the Med Bay. “How do you feel?”

“Like Harbinger sat on my head.”

“Well, that's not surprising considering what’s it’s been through lately.”

Just great; maybe it _was_ a concussion, especially since I didn't remember any other fall or trauma. As if a testament to my theory, I winced, even from across the room, at the sound of the door opening. My view of the new occupant was obscured by the Doctor’s body as she held her Omni Tool over my head, scanning me once again. My curiosity didn't have to wait long as Garrus appeared over her other shoulder again, but this time his mandibles stayed tight to his face with what looked like uncertainty.

“Shepard?”

I winced again at the audio intrusion, but forced a smile. It was the second time in as many days I'd apparently blacked out on him, so I owed him that much. “Hey, Garrus. Sorry about… well whatever happened last night.”

He seemed to relax a bit, his posture loosening and his mandibles started to flutter like they normally did. “It’s alright, Shepard. You weren't yourself, and you didn't do any real damage. You may be stronger with your implants, but Turian mandibles are still pretty hard to break.” He rubbed his unscarred mandible for emphasis while the other fluttered farther outwards, like it did when he was trying to be funny. It brought a more genuine smile to my face, until his words started to sink in and it dropped completely.

“Wait… _what_ happened?”

His own amusement faded and he exchanged a look with Doctor Chakwas.

“Let Liara know. She'll want to see it.” Before I could ask, Garrus was turning away and pulling up his Omni Tool. Glancing back up to the Doc, I was surprised to find an offered hand in front of me. Since when did she actually _want_ me to sit up so quickly? But I took it gratefully and pulled myself up.

“Commander, how much do you remember after the Leviathan?”

My confusion gave way to some understanding, remembering those we had freed from its control. Pieces were starting to fall together, making some kind of sense now, but why hadn't it struck me as odd then… and why could I remember anything at all if it had been controlling me? With a sigh, I let my head hang forward, a hand coming up to rub my forehead as I tried to focus on the specifics.

“I remember being in the mech and speaking with the Leviathan, struggling to get back up to the surface, then… I was back on board; in here.”

“And what about yesterday, anything?”

“Yeah, waking up, the debrief with Hackett, but… there were blackouts, things missing. I kept getting pulled back into the dark place, like what the others had describe when they woke up. It must be where it communicates with other species, like getting into their minds and trapping them there.” A sudden though furrowed my brow, looking up to find both Chakwas and Garrus watching me closely. “But none of the others seemed to really remember it. Why would I? And how did it happen, there was no orb!”

“Actually-”

“There was an orb, Shepard.” I turned toward the door as Liara stepped through, a small crate contained in a Biotic field floating beside her. “When Garrus came to your room last night he was able to trigger another episode where the Leviathan took control of you. Just like with Dr. Bryson, EDI was able to track the signal.” She set the box down on the bed next to me, but the field did not dissipate. Looking down at it, I saw the all too familiar shards of a broke orb contained inside.

“Where?” I felt anger wanting to rise, feeling violated after they had said they would let me fight on my own.

“Stashed in the shuttle, hidden behind panels that should never have been opened. We don't know how or when it got there, but Cortez feels awful.”

Instantly any anger diminished and I shook my head. “It's not his fault. He was focused on trying to get us off that planet, he wouldn’t have even known to look for it.”

“Well, we were able to find and destroy it before you managed to get hurt… or they were able to make you hurt Garrus.”

I felt my face flush and glanced up at him, trying to think of how you apologize for something like that. But his own expression was so soft, something I hadn’t thought possible with all that plating, it halted my thought process and made my body start to hum strangely. At first I feared a return of the talons I’d felt from the Leviathan, but when it didn’t come I was even more confused. Why would I feel so strange if the Leviathan wasn’t making me? Thankfully Liara continued, providing a distraction for me to focus on.

“I’m working on studying these fragments, to see if there is anything else we can learn, but it seems they are rather useless once it’s destroyed.” The box lifted off the bed again and I couldn’t help leaning away from it as it floated towards her and then beside her as she turned back towards the door.

“Let me know if you _do_ come up with anything. We'll have to add it to the report.” She waved over her shoulder, looking more and more like Mordin every day with her nose buried in her data pads and Broker communications.

The door closed behind her and the Doctor moved back to her station, shifting the readings she’d gathered from her Omni Tool over to her terminal. Garrus then filled the space in front of me and I suddenly found my hand clutched inside his larger ones. “Thank the Spirits you’re alright.”

I could only stare at our hands for a moment, the utter confusion returned at the sensations coursing up my arm. It felt… normal, for lack of a better word, and sent a strange warmth racing further across my body the longer he held my hand. Yet the sensation was at instant war with my mind, bringing a straining feeling to the back of my head where the Leviathan had sunk in. Though thankfully this resembled more of a normal headache as I tried to regain control over my confused body. Shifting my eyes up to his, I found that softness again, making me feel like I should melt into his touch. But warnings were sounding in my mind, reminders of why fraternization was such a bad idea, especially in the middle of a war like this one.

My brow furrowed as my confusion shifted from my strange response to his touch, to why he was touching me in the first place. Not even on the battle field, hauling each other to cover or treating wounds had it ever felt this… intimate. “Did… did something else happen last night?” His expression shifted instantly, looking over me with what looked like a growing concern. “Why…” I looked down and slowly pulled my hand from his, still fighting my body’s obvious desire to stay.

His face seemed to almost shatter as he took a staggering step backwards. Then Chakwas was right back next to me, Omni Tool open and scanning yet again. “Commander, are you saying you still don’t remember your relationship with Garrus?”

“ _Relationship_?” My head was instantly reeling and I turned back to him, hoping for some clarification of this misunderstanding, but his only response was another high pitched sound. I let my eyes look over him and my body is instantly reacting again, but it didn’t make any sense. There were rules about fraternization and I’d followed them for good reason, why would I have gone against that in the middle of a galactic war? And with an Alien?! The mission came first, then and now, and if this was some kind of joke… Pushing whatever my body was trying to tell me aside as irrational, I felt anger replacing it and threw a glare at the Doctor. “This is far from funny. I’m surprised any of you would think this is the time for this kind of thing!”

My heated gazed turned back to Garrus, even more surprised that _he_ would have been alright with what must have been a charade, but it faltered instantly upon meeting his eyes. He looked devastated, frozen between reaching for me and disbelief. It was the same thing I was feeling and that only scared me more. This couldn’t be true, how would it even be possible?

Glancing to the doctor, trying to cling to any remaining hope, I watched her serious face through the holo of her scans. “It’s not a joke, Commander. You’ve been with Garrus intimately since just before hitting the collector base.”

“ _What_?” For a moment the pull towards him subsided, no room in my brain for any other thoughts. I ran through every memory I could think of, anything that could be even remotely considered romantic, but there was not even a suggestion of anything more than platonic. “That… can’t be possible. I don’t remember anything like that-”

The shrill sound rang out for a moment before Garrus stepped forward again. “You don’t remember me coming up to your cabin with a bottle of wine before we reached the Relay?”

“No, remember being alone at my terminal going over the upgrade briefs.” I’d been trying to distract myself from worrying, as well as double and triple checking we had done everything we could to prepare for our strike.

“And after you picked me up on Mena?”

“I was glad to see you, but I was in the war room going over all the data the Primarch had given me and trying to raise Tuchanka before we arrived.”

“Nothing of me coming up to your cabin for dinner?”

 _A dinner-date_?! “No! There is nothing but the mission.” His proximity had set my nerves on fire and I could feel myself loosing composure. “I don’t fraternize, especially during wars and suicide missions. Nothing happened!” He staggered backwards and it took physical effort to keep myself from following him, my throat feeling like it was closing on itself, distracted only by the chiming from the Doctor’s Omni.

“Your pathways are uninterrupted, but they still look to be slightly altered from scans prior to your interactions with Leviathan. That would explain a lack of memories, but not an entire set of new ones.”

“May have useful input.” All our eyes turned to Mordin, almost forgetting he was still in the room with Eve. “Leviathan still relatively unknown. Have ability to control mind. May have altered your memory. Possible to even fabricate new ones.” Chakwas turned towards her terminal and brought up two sets of readings. “Scans would appear normal again, now that orb is gone. No permanent physical change, unless looking closely. Ulterior motive; maybe to increase focus on mission, wanting more control over outcome, over Shepard. Like Reapers.”

Something struck me as familiar, and infuriating, but it was almost impossible for me to hold on to the thought. Instead I found another in his words. “But how was it controlling me? The others had to spend more time around the orbs than I have for them to be effective.”

“Exposed to Leviathan directly. Degraded immunity faster.”

Chakwas turned from her scans, practically ignoring my presence as they discussed… me. “But if the orb is destroyed, why would her memories still be altered?”

“Hmm. Possible that orb was only a tool. A guarantee that what they changed was accepted by new neural pathways.”

“Could that be why her readings were so strange when she first came back onboard?” She turned back to her terminal and pulled up a third set of readings, stacking them all side by side as Mordin cross the room to join her. I could only sit there, none of it making any sense to me. I _had_ memories, they were clear and they made sense to me; it was _now_ that didn’t seem to fit. I _was_ in a relationship with Garrus, I just couldn’t remember it because of some ancient creature that wanted to play gods? 

If I hadn’t seen the Leviathan and what it could do with my own eyes I would have dismissed them all as crazy. But they had no reason to lie, and the data seemed to make some kind of sense to them. Yet, no matter how I looked at it, I saw no point in my memories that could have been obviously altered. My parents had deterred me from getting involved because of changing assignments, and I had learned a hard lesson on Akuze. After that I had never fraternized, even when Kaidan had pursued so ardently. Garrus, on the other hand, had never done anything that would make me think he was interested in me that way. Where in our mission against the Collectors would we have even started?

As if reading my mind, Garrus shook me from my thoughts when he stepped closer. “Do you remember talking to me about how Turians handled high-risk missions?” Fighting another wave of my muscles wanting to reach out for him, I thought back and nodded in response, not trusting my voice with him so close. It was a conversation we’d had after I’d helped him find Sidonis. He’d told me about him and the recon scout, but nothing was all that different than our other friendly conversations. “When I told you that we had the tiebreaker in her quarters, you asked me if I wanted to work off some tension with you.”

The realization almost knocked the wind out of me. “ _I_ started it?” That made the least sense of everything so far. Following a suggestions didn’t often take much, but pushing my beliefs aside and suggesting it myself? No, there was something wrong with this. “I’m sorry, Garrus, but I can’t believe that. All of this… it’s just too much right now.” His face seemed to shatter again, but I turned away from him before I could second guess myself. “Doc, Mordin. If there is nothing indicating my inability to continue on mission, I’ll be returning to my cabin. I have a days’ worth of work to catch up on.”

Hearing no immediate rejection, I gave Garrus I wide birth and made for the doors. It was almost like wading through water, fighting against my body as if I was telling it to do something it didn’t want to. Shaking the thought form my mind, I turned my focus where it needed to be; back on mission.


	4. Chapter 4

Back in my quarters there was plenty of evidence for whatever I had missed during my last Leviathan blackout. The coffee table was shifted, chairs overturned, pillows from the bed and couch thrown about the room, one even punctured with its synthesized innards looking like snow on the floor. Of their own accord my eyes shifted to the bed, possibly looking for any evidence to their claims, but my heart thumping harder in my chest made me look away. Now wasn’t the time.

Turning away from the scene I forced my attention towards my office, which had thankfully been spared. Taking a seat in my chair I was surprised to find it more than spared. The data pads were stacked and ordered neatly as if I’d already read through them once. Glancing at each I found them in order of priority and possible delegation, waiting for my final approval. A little put off, I turned to my terminal, only to find enough unread message for the last several hours. Everything else was already replied to or moved to the data pads I’d already gone through. My mission report from Tuchanka was already filed, both to Alliance Command as well as to both dignitaries down in the war room. While it hadn’t been easy to defuse a second bomb between Wrex and the Primarch, especially after the loss of his son, they were both back on board and waiting for further results from Mordin’s tests on Eve.

Shaking off my surprise at the amount already accomplished, I turned my attention to the new messages, but it felt like something was missing. Glancing through the glass, into the rest of my quarters, I felt myself sigh. But it wasn’t the state of the room that was bothering me. No, instead I found myself thinking about what, or _who_ was missing from the room. I tensed at the realization and forced myself to turn away from the mess and back to work. While he was my friend and I valued his input, especially on strategy, I did not need him there in order to do my work. Yet I constantly found myself glancing up again and again, looking to certain chairs or points in the room as if expecting to find him there.

The tension and stress in my mind and muscles grew every time I caught myself doing it. Why was I not able to focus on the work in front of me? How had the crew not been disgusted with me, or the galaxy not lost complete faith in me if I felt unable to do my job without him there? It was like my mind and body were at war with each other, and it was the mission that was going to lose.

Finally managing to get through the last of the responses and reports to file, I turned my attention to the rest of the room. Maybe the state of it was causing some of my focusing issues; putting it back in military order could only help. But once again my mind was wondering, and when I was finished I found my placement of the furniture to be more comfortable for someone with longer legs than mine.

Unable to control the sudden surge of frustration, I shoved the armchair even further away from the coffee table and turned towards the door. Maybe I could get some answers from some of the crew about this. Of course there were only so many that would be frank and honest with me, and I had no desire to return to the Medical Bay. Instead, when the elevator arrived, I hit the call for the CIC.

When the doors opened again I had intended to head straight for the Flight Deck, but found Traynor standing at her station. She had always displayed a level of accidental bluntness during out conversations, and while I didn’t want to put her on the spot I needed to know what had really been happening. I was almost as surprised as she was when she saw me and visibly jumped.

“Commander! I didn’t know you’d been released from the Med Bay yet. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Back on mission. How are we proceeding, anything to report?”

She turned back to her station, scrolling through her own messages and reports. “So far, as well as can be expected. But crew and even Alliance morale will be better with you back at the helm, so to speak.”

Did she mean back on mission instead of focusing on my personal life? “Has there been any disquiet over these developments?”

“It’s been kept more-so in the need-to-know circles, but there has been no question over your abilities, Commander.”

Either she had no idea what I was getting at or she was choosing her words more carefully than she usually did. Not getting any kind of answers, I excused myself and turned back to my original destination. But before I’d even reached his pilot’s chair, Joker was already calling over his shoulder.

“It’s my helm, Commander. No offense, but I’ve seen how you drive the Mako.”

I couldn’t help a small laugh, but it died quickly when I reached his chair and had the sudden urge to rest my arm against it. Instead I forced myself into a parade rest, wondering just how far I could have let myself fall from regulations. If it fazed him at all he didn’t say anything, but I could tell that his attention was split between me and his consoles. Before my own uneasy silence could stretch on, Joker fell back into his usual banter.

“I am impressed though, I’ve always wanted to storm out the Med Bay myself, but I can never move fast enough for Chakwas to not lock the doors on me.” I couldn’t help another laugh breaking through and I felt myself relax a little, my arms falling freely to my sides. If I didn’t know better I would have thought he looked pleased with himself.

“There wasn’t much reason for me to stay. And the mission takes priority.”

“True, but it’s almost as crazy as driving a Mako through a Relay; having your memories not just missing but replaced with new ones? That has to feel strange.”

“Strange… That’s definitely a word for it.”

“But hell, you’ve always had something weird going on in there, right Shepard? I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

The confidence in his voice, whether strategically placed or not, helped. To know that, despite what was happening, someone still had faith in me. Even if it was someone who had _always_ had that faith, never faltering, it made me feel more secure about the unknown outcome.

“Shepard, I do have video and audio logs of some of your interactions with Garrus, if you would find them useful.”

My spine went ridged as I turned towards EDI’s mobile platform, sitting in the copilot’s seat. To hear about memories I didn’t remember was one thing, but to see them play out with me in them… that was not something I was not ready for. “No, EDI, thank you. I… I just want to focus on our mission.”

“Understood.”

Unsure what else I could say, without being too obvious, I made to turn back towards the CIC when Joker spoke up again.

“So, Commander, I know you well enough to know when you are fishing for answers. What exactly do you want to know?”

My step faltered and I let out a quiet sigh. Between the two of them I should have expected it, but if I wanted honest answers they really were the ones to ask. Turning back towards the view, I took a moment to try and put my thoughts into the right words.

“The Alliance has rules about fraternization, and for good reason. Especially during a war like this one, we need to be focused with as few distractions as possible.” I felt my frustrations from before returning and took a calming breath. “I don’t see how the crew, let alone the galaxy could feel I was doing everything I could if I’ve been spending time on my personal life.”

I was only slightly surprised when EDI rose from her seat to speak directly to me. “Knowledge of your relationship is not very wide spread, but especially among the crew it is not seen in a negative context. They are happy for you.” I let out a harsh breath before I could stop myself, finding it hard to believe from my own personal experiences.

“If I may, Shepard; during the time that I have served with you, both under Cerberus’ constraints and when Jeff unshackled me, many crew members had expressed something akin to surprise and awe at your efforts towards the mission. They were often referred to as extreme; committing your entire self without regard to your own wellbeing.”

The thought surprised me. While I had risen through the Alliance ranks quickly because of my dedication, being raised and surrounded by military personnel made it normal. While I’d heard plenty of thoughts about me after becoming a Spectre, I’d brushed them aside as flashy news or propaganda. I had never served with civilians on board before Cerberus rebuilt me, and to hear how they saw me was… enlightening.

“When you began your relationship with Garrus, the crew felt it made you more relatable, more… Human. Even members of your own squad expressed their acceptance and joy at your finding someone to share your time with.” I felt my throat tighten slightly, choking back on my emotions as they shot straight to the surface. “It is also seen as a positive point that he is from a military background and has valuable strategic input.”

That had been something of an obvious point, and it had never taken a possible relationship to bring him to the strategy table. But, from the crew’s perspective, everything else she had said made at least some sense, and I felt better about the crew’s thoughts. Unfortunately, experience had taught me otherwise a long time ago.

“Thank you, EDI. I appreciate your observations.”

“Of course, Shepard.” I made to turn towards the Flight Run again, but she said something else that stopped me in my tracks. “You have helped and encouraged me in similar matters. I am happy to be able to return the gesture.” My eyes were wide as I met hers, practically boring into mine as I absorbed her words. Glancing towards the back of Jeff’s chair for a moment, she met my eyes again before turning and taking her place in the copilot’s seat.

Joker turned and gave her a coyly suspicious glance that confirmed it. I’d given her relationship advice and even encouragement to pursue something with him. So not only had I decided against my better judgement and past experience to enter into a relationship, but I was encouraging others to do so as well?

With the two of them content to stare at and pointedly ignore each other, I took my opportunity to leave. This time I didn’t feel like I was being judged for my actions, at least not by anyone other than myself. Civilians and those who depend a lot on hope may find it _relatable_ , but born and bred military understand that the ‘extreme’ commitment to the mission is what makes it succeed. Hurt feelings would eventually subside and my focus would return to where it needed to be.

That was the plan, and it seemed like a solid one, but it wasn’t long after I returned to my quarters and my stack of data pads that I found myself loosing focus. Despite my conviction, my mind continued to wonder back to Garrus. Whether it was wondering about his opinion on a mission request or curiosity about what he was doing at that moment, no matter how many times I forced my attention back to the data pads. EDI’s words soon joined the thoughts, wondering why it was so impossible. Would it really be so bad if...

I snapped back to myself and threw the data pad I had forgotten I was still holding across my desk. This, _this_ was the reason. Pushing my chair back, I rose and headed for the door, not letting myself stop to think or talk myself out of it. The elevator, as if sensing my frustration, arrived almost instantly and seemed to shoot just as quickly down to the Crew Deck.

I was out the doors before they fully finished opening, rounding the far side from the Med Bay, and starting down the gangway towards the Battery. My body seemed almost relieved that I was outside those doors, but as I hit the call to open I reminded myself why it was that I was here.

I felt myself almost lose the battle when the doors opened, finding him at his console as I always remembered. My eyes wandered over his form without my permission and I felt my blood warm and my heart beat harder in my chest.

"Shepard!?"

His dual tones flanged out before he clamped them down. While it wasn't a sound I ever remembered hearing from him, I somehow found myself knowing it meant he was surprised to see me in his space. That was when I noticed I was still looking at him like a piece of armor-plated meat; I'd understood the tone even without looking at his face.

The thought sent another chill down my spine and I snapped my eyes back up towards his. In them I saw a painful flash of hope before I schooled my own expression, whatever it had been, and I saw his own drop.

"We need to talk about this..." I waved a hand between us before forcing myself to say the word, "relationship."

"Of course. Anything you want to know, we can take all of it one step at a ti-"

"It can't happen." I forced it out quickly, before his sincerity got the better of me. He seemed to freeze, like it was taking him longer to process what I'd said. When his mandibles started to flutter nervously, I started again, mostly to keep myself from stepping towards him. "You have to know that this is wrong." I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or myself at this point. “We are soldiers, personal involvement like that can cause a conflict of interest, both on and off the field. We can’t afford things that distract us from what we are supposed to be doing out here."

That same high-pitched sound stopped me only a moment before he spoke. "How has it distracted us up till now? We've never strayed off mission?"

I had found no evidence to argue, but that wasn't the point.

"Then we've been lucky, but it ends now. I can't take that kind of risk during a war like this, no matter what it is I'm feeling."

The words were out before I had a chance to understand what I was actually saying. The keening noise, that had been steadily growing louder, cut off suddenly.

"What... you mean... they didn't change how you feel about me?"

My heart thumped his answer before I could even attempt to say anything. His visor lit up and I knew exactly what it would be telling him, but I had no control over it. I had to force myself to retreat to the door when he took a half step towards me, struggling to get my body back under my control.

"That has nothing to do with the situation." I held up a hand to silence his objection. "Whatever we had is over." Turning before I could see the hurt creeping into his face, I hit the control for the door and all but fled back down the gangway.

This time the elevator seemed to delay and I feared he would come after me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself from giving in to... whatever this body had in mind. It was only when the elevator deposited me back at my quarters and I dropped back into my office chair that I sat back and took stock.

My hands were trembling, head reeling and my heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest and hide under all the work I had to do. It was painfully obvious that my admission had been true; my body loved him. At the realization, my brained supplied at least a hundred reason why, and they all made perfect sense. I don't know or remember how or when it happened, but I loved him. _But_... this wasn't about that, it was about the mission.

Personal sacrifice was something I understood all too well, and this time would be no exception. Given time I would get my body's cravings back under control and we would resume business as usual. My heart hurt, knowing the pain I had caused him, but despite his obvious objection to my decision I knew I could still count on him as a soldier. I had to, he was one of the best squad-mates I’d ever had, and we would need all the help we could get when Mordin was ready to hit Tuchanka.


	5. Chapter 5

It was three more days before Mordin called me back to the Med Bay. I’d been stopping in for checkups with Chakwas, but he had still been running tests on his samples. Wrex had been staying as far away as he could, probably out of fear of him needing more, despite his urge to protect a fertile female. He’d also heard about what had really happened with the Leviathan and had been keeping me company down in the cargo hold when I went down to exercise. It was part of my normal routine, but I was pushing myself even harder than normal. It was the only way I knew to fight my body’s urge to be close to him, and keep my head clear enough to not think about him every other moment I had.

“I won’t argue against focusing on the mission, especially when it involves curing the Genophage, but you two were good together. Balanced each other’s skills damn near perfectly. I saw it on the first Normandy, and when you helped Grunt take down that Thresher.”

“We can still do that… on the battle field.” I attacked the swaying bag with a series of strikes again, controlling my breathing. “And I thought we’d agreed not to talk about it. You’re distracting me from my distraction.”

“I’ve lived a long time, Shepard. If it’s that hard to distract yourself, then you need to stop and face the problem.”

“Been there… done that. Trying to move on.”

“Clearly your solution isn’t working.”

“Not with you still talking about it.” I caught the bag and stilled it, throwing him a glare as I reached for my towel. He was one of the only ones, besides Doc, that would still talk about the subject. Everyone else had kept their distance, probably not knowing what to say or how to avoid it in conversation. They would bury themselves in their work when I was around, but that was the way it should be, so I didn’t initiate either. Yet somehow it felt strange, almost lonely not talking with people more, about the mission or otherwise. The whole ship had taken on an almost somber feeling, but I’d buried myself in my reports and messages diligently and kept trying not to think about anything but the War efforts.

Even when I had to force him to change the topic, it still felt like a little normalcy when Wrex would hang around. It was during one of those moments, as I was cooling down from a strong workout, that EDI came over the comms.

“Shepard, Mordin has requested your presence in the Medical Bay.”

Wrex and I exchanged a look and both turned towards the elevator. “Tell him I’m on my way.”

“I’ll head to the War Room and start the Rally call.”

It was a quick but anxious ride, pushing through the doors as they opened and hearing Wrex jamming the button to keep it moving without me. Rounding the wall, I was almost sure EDI had opened the doors before I’d enter sensor range, but I was thankful for the sense of urgency.

It almost seemed to fragment when the sound I heard from within was Mordin singing.

“Oh, better to die to a Thresher Maw, with shotgun blasting roaring-raw,

than to play ambassadorial games, with the blood of Shiagur in her veins. 

Off to fight, since Turians can’t, with diplomats instead of a Krantt. 

But she’ll be true to Tuchanka’s dream, and live and die a Krogan Queen!

For she is the Krogan Queen! Hurrah, hurrah for the Krogan Queen! 

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Krogan Queen!”

My confusing lifted slightly when I heard Eve laughing from her place on the medical bed. Mordin seemed to look smug. “Still prefer patter songs.”

“Of course. I really had to twist your arm.”

In turning away from her, his eyes lit up a new when he saw me. “Shepard. Tests are done. Eve ready for travel to Tuchanka.”

“Good to hear, Mordin.” I nodded to Eve before turning towards his station. “Is there anything more that you can tell me about the shroud? There isn’t much information available on it.”

“Protocol. Salarian construct, schematics kept under wraps.” He brought up an image of the structure, similar to the one he’d shown in the war room. “Climate regulator. Counteracts radiation damage to Tuchanka’s atmosphere from nuclear war. Particles emitted from main tower. Form layer that mitigates ultraviolet bombardment, prevents atmospheric escape of necessary elements.”

“And your people put it up?”

“Yes, when uplift process began. Demonstration of goodwill to Krogan. Stabilized climate, impressed population. Combined with technology gifts, easy to gain Krogan supports against Rachni.”

I didn’t need to ask any further, knowing he would already have the working knowledge necessary to pull this off. “Get everything you might need. We should be near the drop sight within the hour.”

I was back in my cabin, halfway through getting my armor on when the comm opened. “Shepard, you are needed on the Flight Deck.”

“On my way, EDI”

Snapping my greaves on as I stepped into the elevator, I had barely hit the button for the CIC when it started moving. I was almost at a run just outside the doors and down the Flight Run, feeling a stab of raw panic when the door was sealed. The only time I’d seen that was when the original Normandy had been falling apart.

I let out a rough breath when they opened, but it was immediately sucked back in when I heard shouting.

“All hands, full stop! Hostiles detected at the landing coordinates.”

“Joker, what have you got?”

He seemed to calm slightly as he turned his chair around, telling me that the ship itself was not in any danger. “Sensors show a Reaper parked at the Shroud facility. No way you’re going to be able to land a shuttle there.”

I cursed silently as I turned back towards the CIC. “Get everyone assembled in the War Room. I want eyes on the Shroud.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am”

By the time I got through the scanner, the image was already up on the display, Wrex, the Primarch and Mordin standing around it. He was the first to speak as I stepped down the stairs, cutting the tension. “New form of Reaper, Shepard. Using Shroud to poison Tuchanka’s atmosphere. Problematic.”

Wrex pushed off the console and the stray worry for the state of the equipment in his grip crossed my mind. “They want a fight, they just got one.”

It was already clear we would have to land out of their range and drive in, and there was no way we could take a Reaper down with only an armored convoy. We only had one option; cooperation. “Primarch, we’re going to need your help.”

He turned away too quickly after meeting my eyes, his head lowering slightly. “That could be difficult. Our losses on Palaven have been catastrophic.”

“We’re _doing_ this for Palaven. No one said it would be easy.”

His shoulders dropped just slightly, as even more weight seemed to be resting on them. I could relate, but I was thankful when he responded. “What do you have in mind?”

Moving to a console, I plugging in the information for the small flight squad that had accompanies him from Palaven and the convoy, watching as they appeared in the display. “A combined attack. Your people hit the Reaper with an airstrike. Wrex, at the same time your soldiers will be attacking from the ground. Together you can draw it away from the tower.”

“Yes, distraction.” Mordin drew everyone’s attention. “Small team can reach Shroud facility, finish synthesizing cure. Will need Eve to come with us.”

The tension was still heavy, but I needed to make sure there was no other objections. “We’ve never faced a Reaper up close like this. Everyone onboard?”

“There’s even a doubt?” It was the answer I expected from Wrex. “Let’s move, Pyjak. It’s time to cure the Genophage.”

He stormed out with Mordin in tow, but the Primarch turned towards me before following. I could tell he was still uncertain, yet also determined. “I’ll head down and speak with Garrus. He’ll be in the ground team?”

I knew it wasn’t as much of a question as a request and I wondered how much he’d heard about our situation.

“Of course, Primarch. Get him briefed on your men’s position and ready to drop in fifteen.”

“Thank you, Commander.”

As the door closed behind him, Traynor came through on the comms, sounding uncertain. “ _Commander, incoming message marked urgent. I’ll put it in the comm room for you._ ”

Heading the other way around the center console, I stepped through the doors to see the image of the Salarian Dalatrass flicking on. “Dalatrass?” My gut tightened, knowing her position on what we were trying to do.

“ _Commander Shepard, we know you’ve reached Tuchanka. And, by now, I imagine Mordin Solus has proposed using the Shroud._ ”

To hell with political correctness, I didn’t hide my glare or suspicion. “Are you spying on us?”

She waved it off, as if uncaring. “ _Hardly. The Shroud is the only viable course of action open to you._ ” Her tone shifting, almost as if she was talking to a child. “ _Commander, you can’t allow your misguided sympathy for the Krogan to cloud your judgment. Do you honestly believe curing the Genophage will end in lasting peace?_ ”

I refused to let her get under my skin. “We have to give the Krogan that chance. You can’t condemn an entire race to extinction based on what _might_ happen.”

Her image starts to pace slightly, showing her own frustration. “ _What_ will _happen is the Krogan will reproduce out of control. We uplifted them specifically for their violent nature, not their diplomatic skills. Another war is inevitable._ ”

I clipped my tone, taking restraint not to fold my arms in a show of my own annoyance. “What do you want, Dalatrass?”

“ _Years ago, our operatives sabotaged the Shroud facility to ensure what you’re planning couldn’t be done._ ” My gut dropped, but before I could start to panic she continued. “ _Mordin will likely detect this malfunction and repair it._ ” My sigh of relief was silent, waiting to see what else she would say. “ _But if you ensure that he doesn’t, then the cure’s viability will be altered just enough so that it fails. No one will notice the change._ ”

“You mean trick the Krogan?” I was appalled, flooding with even more disdain for the Salarian in front of me.

“ _They need not be any the wiser. Let Urdnot Wrex believe you have fulfilled your promise._ ”

While I knew Wrex was smarter than she gave him credit for, there was another besides myself that wouldn’t agree. “Mordin would never stand for that.”

“ _How you deal with him is up to you, Commander. We can provide you our very best scientists to build the Crucible… and the full support of our fleets._ ”

“ _If_ I sabotage the cure.” Spineless, blackmailing lizard.

“ _Think about it, Commander. The choice is yours._ ” There was nothing to think about, I knew I would never be able to live with that decision. And Mordin would never go along with it quietly. After how passionate he was about Eve and finishing his work… I would have to restrain him, and that would never end well. No, there _was_ no choice.


	6. Chapter 6

The ground erupted as the two titans, one metal, one flesh, sank into it. It was hard not to gape in awe of the scene and what I had just been witness to, but I needed to make sure that Mordin and the cure were alright. Turning towards the building I could see the damage the Reaper had done by throwing Kalros into it. We were running out of time.

Finding my way to the main lab was easy, Salarian design always practical. Upon entering I saw Mordin running towards one of the central consoles, clumps of burning debris littering the ground and more falling from the shroud overhead. He was typing even more furiously than normal as explosions burst from the exterior walls of the towering structure.

“Mordin! Is the cure ready?”

He flinches for only a moment when the building shakes around us, but does not break his focus. “Yes. Loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for Eve, but not lethal. Maelon’s research invaluable.”

“She’s okay?” I felt a sense of relief after the worry in his tone on the battlefield.

“Headed to safety now. Her survival fortunate. Will stabilize new government should Wrex get any ideas. Good match, promising future for Krogan.” With Wrev taken down by the Thresher it could be an even easier process for them. But the positivity of the moment is broken by another explosion overhead and a large piece of the Shroud falling nearby, smashing the row of panels on the other side of the room.

“Damn!” I turn away from the fire it causes to erupt anew, ready to pull him away and get him to safety when he speak up again.

“Control room at top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up.”

I glance up and see even more explosions lining the whole tower, getting closer and closer to destabilizing it. “You’re going up there?!” 

More pieces fracture and rain down as he continues typing, pulling up his Omni Tool as he turns away from the console. “Yes. Manual access required. Have to counteract STG sabotage. Ensure cure dispersed properly.”

“Mordin, this whole thing is coming apart. There’s got to be another way!” We had already found plenty on this mission, one more shouldn’t have been unexpected. But he turned and look up at the tower behind him, like it was just another challenge in his long career.

“Remote bypass impossible. STG countermeasures in place. No time to adjust cure for temperature variance.” His gaze drops to the floor and for the briefest of moments his shoulders slump, before he raises his head again with a determined posture. “No. No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosions likely to be problematic.”

Before I can fully process his words he is running towards the elevator, his meaning finally sinking in as I jump to follow him. “Mordin, no!”

He doesn’t turn back around until he’s already in the elevator. “Shepard, please. Need to do this. My project. My work. My cure. My responsibility.” His large dark eyes seem to take an extra moment as he looks me over once again. “Situation with Leviathan hard on you, but still mostly unchanged. Still doing the right thing; exposed the Dalatrass to Krogan. Glad to see it. But remember; Galaxy is too big. Too many people. Easy to depersonalize. For this fight, want personal connection. Don’t forget what… _who_ we are fighting for.”

I’m shocked by his words, suddenly reminding me of our conversation about his nephew. Amidst all this and the fact that he knows he’s going to die up there, I suddenly feel tears threatening the corners of my eyes. I don’t know what to say, but he doesn’t seem to expect an answer. Instead he takes an oddly calming breath, closing his eyes for the briefest of moments before smiling. “Would have liked to run tests on the seashells.”

It’s like a blow to the chest, but it helps me regain myself long enough to say something, knowing it’s the last time I’ll see him. “I’m sorry.”

His eyes tell me he understands everything I meant by it, but he only smiles. “I’m not. Had to be me.” He turns and hits the controls, closing the elevator door between us before facing me again. “Someone else might have gotten it wrong.”

It seems to pause at first, moving slowly and giving me one last look at someone I considered a friend before it quickens pace and takes him out of my sight. Only then do I turn and make my way quickly back out of the slowly crumbling structure. And only then, when I’m out of immediate range, do I stop and turn in just enough time to see the top of the Shroud explode. But not before a golden shimmer shoots out from the top and instantly expands out across the atmosphere.

It’s almost a numb feeling as we load back into the convoy, moving back towards our LZ and away from the Shroud as it starts to twist and crumble, falling completely as we look on. Mordin would have been pleased that neither it, nor any of his work on the Genophage would ever be used against the Krogan again.

I felt like I was barely holding on as I spoke with Wrex, my armor cracking slowly as I stood fast. Learning Bakara’s name and hearing her own morning for Mordin, who had taken such good care of her, had almost pushed me over. The ride back felt empty yet claustrophobic without Mordin discussing the science of it all. Whether from uncertainty or understanding, the others kept as much distance as the small shuttle would allow. It was the only thing that kept me from breaking down in the silence.

I strengthened the façade back on board when I reported to Hackett, though my anger almost boiled through remembering what the Dalatrass had asked me to do against Mordin. When the Admiral’s image disappeared I was thrown back into the deafening silence. I knew I was starting to lose what little control I still held on to. The only place for me now was the solace of my quarters, where I could shatter in peace without anyone being the wiser. But as I left the comm room I almost faltered, seeing the Primarch and Garrus in conference at the center console.

My gut clenched a new as my eyes drew towards him and I tried to clamp my hands at my sides, feeling an even more powerful urge to take shelter in his arms. If I could only make it to my quarters… Any hopes of slipping past them fled as I descended the steps and the Primarch turned to intercept me. I kept my eyes on the older Turian, not even risking a wayward glance for fear of a losing battle. It had been easier planet-side than I’d even hoped, the threat of death at each step a good motivator to not linger, but here…

“Commander, Urdnot Wrex has begun sending troops to Palaven. You kept your end of the bargain, and now I’ll keep mine.” He extending his hand and I shook it, hoping he could not feel my muscles quivering beneath the armor I’d yet to take off. “The Turian Hierarchy will stand with Humanity against the Reapers.”

“I’m glad we can help each other out.” I started to round the console, not sure if I am simply heading towards the exit or if my feet are trying to bring me closer to Garrus. “It’s the only way we’re going to be able to defeat them.”

“That much is certain.” The Primarch comes to a stop first, making us into a triangle, and I force myself not to turn away from him. “To that end, several dry-dock ships are ready to help build the Crucible. Garrus will coordinate them.”

“Yes, sir.” I can tell by his tone and the movement of his shoulder that he is worn, and the realization wracks me. It also makes me realize my eyes have wandered without my meaning to. Turning quickly back towards the Primarch, I’m thankful he’s still leading the conversation.

“And when the time comes to deploy it, the full measure of our fleet will be there for Earth. May the Spirits watch over us all.”

When he finally nods to us and turns away, I don’t even hesitate. As cowardly as it is, I turn towards the doors and leave as fast as I can. My body is already protesting my motions, but that was all the more reason not to stay. There was no guarantee that I would be able to maintain any conversation without my body throwing itself at him, simply from meeting his eyes. No, it is safer in my cabin where no one can see just how weak I have become. We’ve lost plenty of people before, but not even Ash back on Virmire came close to what I was feeling now.

Before I even realized my feet had carried me there, a sense of relief flooding my body as the doors closed behind me. Within moments I had my bracers off, but the next was beyond my control, the armor flying from my hand and crashing to the floor in front of the fish tank. The startling sound froze me for a pounding heartbeat, but the burn of the tears brought me back in. Ripping at the seals on my chest plate, I ignore the scratching of my nails against the ceramic surface and the feel of one breaking, continuing to fumble until it too fell to the floor. Inside my office I turn and collapse into my chair, leaning forward to start working on my greaves and boots when I find I can no longer see clearly.

The tears are flowing freely and there is no longer any stopping them. Instead of trying, I bury my still-gloved hands into my battle-grimed hair and rest my elbows on my knees as I start to shake uncontrollably. I know that I cannot contain the grief I’m feeling and that it will be worse if I do not let at least _some_ it out, but I force myself to win the small battles.

I want to scream, but I don’t let myself. I want to slam my hands into the bulkhead and make myself bleed, but I _can’t_ let myself. I want to curl up in a small, tight space and hide from the galaxy, but I won’t _let_ myself. I want to shatter into infinitely small pieces… and I can’t help myself.

While trying not to make a sound, only letting quiet gasps and sobs escape me, I vaguely hear the sound of my cabin door opening. It doesn’t fully register at first, until I recognize the familiar metal clanking of armored boots. My body tried to respond to it, but my brain is too confused to allow movement as the sounds stops at the end of my office.

Finally able to arrange my thoughts enough to look up, I find my eyes traveling slowly up his form, and I cannot bring myself to care about the warmth it spreads through me. I blink my eyes clear just in time to reach his own and see, without obstruction, the restraint and concern reflected back at me. The moment stretches on until the requirement for air catches back up with me and I drag in another shuttering breath.

His own façade cracks and he takes only a single step towards me before I am out of my chair. Whatever hold or control I’d had long gone as I practically launch myself towards him, burring my face against his unforgiving armor. As hard and cool as the exterior is, I suddenly feel safe, warm and protected. Every emotion I’d been fighting so hard against since I woke up in the Med Bay. But in that instant, I didn’t have the energy to make myself care.

Just those few moments in his arms banished the empty, lonely feeling that I only just realized had been trying to choke me. Somehow, it seemed as if he was even starting to fill the gaping hole this new loss had formed, and for a moment I understood. The next was a blur of motion, my body moving completely on its own and I am kissing him. He jars slightly, but I am focusing on the fact that his plates are surprisingly warm against me, and after a moment I can feel them starting to shift. The movements make it closer to kissing a Human than I would have expected, but it is still different enough to send the first warning shock through my clouded brain.

Clearly not listening to it, or my brain, my hands take on minds of their own, following a path that feels all too familiar under my touch. I grip instinctually when I find one hand at his waist, but it is the one that slips up the back of his neck that gets the bigger reaction. It’s an almost dangerous growl that has my nerves racing with both warning and pleasure. _Their fringe lifts in the back?_ I find my fingers already underneath it, his own hands slipping around my waist and gripping me tighter, more firmly to him.

My fingers dig in harder and I don’t know if it’s out of fear or a forgotten memory, and I worry for a moment that I am hurting him out of my own anxiety. But when he breaks his plates away from my still persistent kiss, it is only long enough to move his mouth down against my neck. I can feel his mandible brushing and tickling the skin just above the collar of my under suit, his breath following it with my name. “ _Kara!_ ” My spine goes soft and ridges at the same time, his hands there to keep me from collapsing and I am scared to find I am not surprised. Even as I feel his hands slide further down to grasp at my barely-cover backside it feels far too familiar.

His firm grip there starts to lift me off the floor as he hoists me up, turning me in the direction of the rest of my quarters… and the bed. The shock that I know that’s where he’s taking me finally gives my brain the jolt it needs to catch back up. My muscles going ridged shifts his hold and I fall back to the floor as he catches a piece of my chest piece with his foot. The movement causes him to stumble, turning us quickly so as not to fall, but instead pressing me back against the dividing wall of my office and the sitting area. He doesn’t notice the cause of my motion, simply adjusting to it and bringing his own armored body up against my own.

Skilled hands are already searching for the claps of my under suit, and I realize as it starts to loosen, that he knows where they are. The tension and fear snap fully to the surface and send strength enough through my still thrumming arms to finally push him away from me.

“No! No, I can’t… _do_ this!”

He stumbles slightly, catching himself, but to his credit he immediately stops his advance. I can feel his eyes boring into me as I struggle to bring my body completely back under my control. Even without looking directly at him I can see the signs of him starting to shatter again, just as he had in the Med Bad. But this time, it was far more quickly replace by a mounting anger.

“Why? Why is two people finding comfort and solace in each other wrong? What is so different now that you would deny yourself what you so clearly want?”

I shake my head violently, pinning my arms around myself, if only to keep them from reaching for him again. “I _cannot_ put myself before the mission, before the _entire galaxy_.” Even in my own mind I’m uncertain who I am trying to persuade. “It is selfish and cruel. I just… I can’t!”

The few moments of silence feel like an eternity unto themselves, and even without the deeper understanding of Turian body language that I apparently have, I can see him fighting back the urge to argue. Instead he is frighteningly calm. “I can see just how much you _have_ changed.” My eyes finally snap up to his, looking at me with an attempt at detachment. “The Shepard that brought us to where _we_ were understood the balance, of what was needed or necessary and the toll it was taking.” His gaze shifted between my eyes, searching for an answer he clearly did not find. “If you give everything you are, there is nothing left to fight with.”

It was a phrase I’d heard the likes of before, and I answered back like rhetoric. “Then you fight until there _is_ nothing left.” Some part of me hoped and expected the soldier in him to understand. Instead his eyes grew ever more distant, looking over me fully as if he really hadn’t seen me before.

“You did that once.” It was a callus reminder of the nightmare I’d lived through and I felt the pain of it surging fresh like a still open wound, as it hadn’t done in a long time. “You told me you had regrets when you died. That you wanted to make up for them.” His hand reached out for me and I knocked into the diving wall again as I forced myself to retreat. The motion stopped his own, letting his hand hang in the air for a moment before dropping it again. “You even told me that you loved me.”

My heart stopped for several moment, only starting again when he took a definitive step back, his hands flexing open at his sides in the equivalent of a Human balling their fists. As much as his shattered expression and pleading words had pulled at my heart and my control, his dejected posture now made the fight ten times harder. But before I was even given the opportunity to lose, he stopped me dead again.

“You never expect… when you hear those words… that it will be the last time.” He turned his eyes away, as if even looking at me made his pain worse. “Even when you know life is uncertain, even when you are fighting a war like this one…” His eyes were filled with such emotions that I held my breath when he turned them on me again. “It’s just so hard to mourn you when you’re _still here_!”

In a blue and silver streak he was gone, armored boots storming out of my quarters and fading from range as my door closed behind him. The silence felt so heavy my body dared not even cry for fear of disturbing it, uncertain what I would hear. I lost track of how long I stood there, still only half out of my armor and under suit, trying to process what I had just done.


	7. Chapter 7

“Commander, I’m not going to sugar coat this. You got lucky.” I winced as she wrapped my left arm a little too firmly, though the wound was already starting to mend thanks to the medigel. “You are too important to this fight for you to be this careless.”

“It wasn’t serious, I just-”

“You just got sloppy because you’re exhausting yourself every day in the cargo hold.” Her tone shocked me into silence, practically snapping my mouth shut as she glared at me. “I got a report of the mission from James, and I think you should give me enough credit to notice where you spend so much of your time. If you’re not buried in reports you are exercising until you can barely make it back to your quarters.”

It was an exaggeration, but not by enough to make protesting a viable option against her current mood. Instead I let my head hang forward slightly, acknowledging the point she was trying to make. _This, this is what I was afraid of_ … If it wasn’t an actual relationship, it was the avoiding one that was causing me to become unfocused. I heard her sigh and I felt another twinge of guilt at the pity I knew she was taking on me.

“I will withhold any incriminating observations from the report _this time_ , because I know that you will not allow this to happen again. The next time I may be explaining to High Command why we have to find a new spearhead for this War, and I don’t think you want to put me in that position.”

I shook my head, feeling very much like a scolded child. Her smile was sympathetic, understanding my plight but also knowing I didn’t want to talk about it. Tipping my head slightly in thanks, I hopped down from the medical bed and carefully pulling my uniform coat on over the tank top I’d prevented getting blood on, not allowing myself to wince when my arms stretched painfully.

“Thanks, Doc. It _won’t_ happen again.” She nodded in return and moved back over to her desk to file her own report. It was rare to see her mad, especially at me, and it was something to take to heart.

Making my way back out of the Med Bay I ran into a few crew members heading for the Mess Hall. They seemed uncertain as they greeted me, glad that I was out and about again, but reluctant to say anything further. As they excused themselves and moved past me, it was that same feeling of loneliness that I’d realized before, only now I could recognize it slowly tightening back in on me. An equal tightness was forming in my chest, so I kept my eyes straight ahead and made my way toward the elevator.

To lead meant to be impersonal with a lot of your subordinates. That had changed slightly aboard the original Normandy with such a small ground team, but there was still a level of professional distance. It hadn’t bothered me before, yet now I could feel the loss of something I didn’t seem to fully understand. I’d seen the reports of ship functions and it was obvious that morale was down. While that wouldn’t be uncommon in a war like this one, when I _did_ have any interaction with the crew it was obvious what the source was… me.

How could I fix the whole Galaxy if I wasn’t able to fix myself and my crew?

Entering my quarters, my first thought was to simply try harder, push myself further. But barely a step into my office and I paused, thinking about what the Doc had said. With a heavy sigh, I turned towards the stairs and headed down towards my bed. I barely had my uniform back off when I felt how tired I actually was from the mission, as well as taking a pot-shot from a Cerberus Atlas. Leaving the tank top on, so nothing wouldn’t put any pressure on the bandage, I dropped heavily onto the mattress. It was almost surreal, letting myself fall back into the pillows before rolling onto my right side and letting my eyes close. My fear of unbidden thoughts of Garrus slowly subsided and I felt myself just simply drifting off.

Unfortunately my mind wasn’t held at bay for long. Slowly the comforting blackness around me faded into unfamiliar surroundings. It could have been a park, heavily wooded but not dense enough for a natural forest. There were gaps between the tree, almost like paths, and scattered benches. It was all in shades of gray, even the vague shapes of people standing among the trees. They moved almost ghostly and I could hear them talking without making out much of what they were saying.

I saw what looked like a ray of light break through, illuminating something on the ground. Moving towards it felt like trudging through water, even the shadows fading in and out faster than I was able to cross the short distance. But the movement slowed even further when I finally recognized the boy and remembered this dream; always chasing him, never able to catch up, the voices of the ones we’d lost echoing around me.

Yet I couldn’t keep myself from following him once again. It was like the mission I was facing when I was awake, chasing the few leads we had and doing whatever I could try and help us succeed. But when he finally stopped running and turned, I found an image of Garrus standing next to him. He was clear, unlike the dead around us, and seemed caught in the same ray of light as the boy. Uncertain what he was doing there, I turned back to the boy, only to see him slowly being engulfed by flames.

He only watched me as he started to burn, giving no sign that he felt any pain, but I could only gape at him in horror. It was the form of Garrus beside him that moved, leaping towards him and being consumed alongside the boy.

I woke screaming for him, panting and sweating as I looked around my room in a panic.

“Shepard, would you like me to call Garrus to your quarters?”

“No!” I swallowed more air before I repeated more calmly. “No, thank you EDI.”

“Very well, Logging you off.”

I exhaled slowly before the tension in my left arm reminded me of the still wrapped wound. With a heavy sigh I dropped back to the bed and continued to regulate my breathing until it returned to normal. Glancing over at my alarm clock I found that I’d only been asleep for about four hours and it would be almost another four before the next shift would be heading to their stations.

Knowing I would never convince myself to go back to sleep, I stood and headed for the bathroom. Keeping a bandage from getting wet was something I had practice doing, my shower short and to the point like always. Redressing, I was surprised to hear a chime for entry at my door.

“It’s open.”

I heard the door and softer footsteps, but I was still surprised to hear Liara’s voice outside my office. “Shepard? There’s something you need to hear.”

“Alright.” I toweled my hair one last time before pulling my uniform jacket back into place.

“Is this a bad time?”

My movements stalled and I couldn’t help but wonder how so many on this ship seemed to be able to read me so well. Dropping my arms back to my sides I couldn’t come up with anything else to say, so I opted for honestly; the best policy with the Shadow Broker. “Just trying to wrap my head around all of this. I keep making mistakes and I don’t know how to keep my body in line any more. It’s like muscle memory I don’t even remember making means more than all the common sense I can muster.”

There was silence for a moment, but I could practically feel her just outside the bathroom door. “I know I haven’t been there for you through all of this. I should have been.”

“You’ve been busy and so have I. And you’re doing so much for the war effort, I can’t really complain.”

“But we’re friends, and you’ve been dealing with this all on your own.”

“It’s not like anyone can really relate.” I couldn’t help the scoff that came out. “They _never_ can with the situations I get myself into.”

A quiet hum through the door was her only response for a moment. “That doesn’t mean I can’t still be there for you, give you advice based on what all I _do_ know. Like maybe your mistakes are because you’re fighting so hard against yourself. You’d worked out a balance with everything and it had been going well on all sides, but now you’re fighting another war with your own heart.”

I let out a forced laugh, knowing she probably already knew what I was going to say. “He said I told him I loved him.” No response only confirmed it. “It not something I would have said if I didn’t mean it, but… There isn’t anything more important than the war and that’s what I need to be focusing on.”

“There is nothing wrong with giving yourself something extra to fight for. You probably don’t remember, with what else the Leviathan took from you, but you told me once you were fighting for him, to give him some peace after what he’s been through.”

Her words combined with Mordin’s in my mind and I had to fight down the swirl of emotions they caused. “Maybe what they _gave_ me was a chance to do things the right way.”

“Shepard,” I could hear her in her tone that she felt the same way the Doc did. “There is no _right way_ , no one’s even faced anything like this before. Of course, you always have been a trail-blazer.”

I had to shake my head to force back down the thoughts that I knew from experience would never end as well as everyone else seemed to think. With my brain and my heart beat back under control, for at least the moment, I straightened my jacket and opened the door. She was leaning against the wall, just on the other side of it, with a knowing look on her face that I tried to ignore.

“Did you have something for me?”

Her eyes seemed to search my own for a moment before they shifted to resigned, pushing herself away from the wall to stand straight again, back to the business side of her I’d become so used to lately. “The Salarian Councilor has an urgent matter.”

I felt a subtle anger starting to rise, hoping it wasn’t anything like my last contact with a Salarian in charge. “Let me guess. He called the Comm Room?”

“The Council must be taking the Crucible seriously.”

I could only hope her optimism was correct, following her lead out of my cabin and into the elevator. The ride down was short with no real room for conversation. I got out at the CIC while she continued down, most likely heading back to her office. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was able to access our secured feed with all the technology she had down there, but with her so far on our side it was more like cutting out the middle-man.

Stepping through the scanner and into the strangely empty War Room, I found that I even missed Wrex and the Primarch fighting. While I knew they were both out there, fighting in the same war and both vowing to help when it came time to make a move on Earth, it almost made me feel like I was fighting alone. Could that have been part of what Liara meant by…

_No._

It was just another distraction I didn’t need. Ignoring the looks of the few night-shifters at their stations, probably wondering why their Commander is vacantly staring towards the central console, I cut my way directly through the center and across to the comm room.

The moment I stepped through the doorway and closed it behind me, the image of the Salarian Councilor switched on. “Commander, there is something we should discuss… if you are finished rewriting history.”

It took effort not to roll my eyes, but I couldn’t stop the glare or tone in my voice. “I made my decision, Councilor. There’s not much anyone can do about it now.”

“Yes, we’re going to have billions more Krogan in the galaxy. It’s a good thing you saved my life once, Shepard. Otherwise… well.” His own tone spoke of resigned acceptance, not nearly as much blaming and finger pointing than his words seemed to imply; almost as if it was for show. That was, until he got to the topic he’d been wanting to discuss. “I have concerns about Humanity’s representative, Councilor Udina.” My brow furrows, part of me wondering if he was trying to work an angle, but the better part wanting to ask just what he’d done now. “My agents have discovered that he’s using his authority to move vast sums of money. For what purpose, we’re not sure.”

Sadly, our less-than-ideal representative had never given me any reason to be surprised by this kind of accusation, or feel any need to come to his defense to save face. No, it was easier and more realistic to believe the Salarian intel and not waste any time. “If Udina’s dirty, it’s best we get to the bottom of it fast.”

While he didn’t seemed surprised by my answer, there was some relief in his voice. “Agreed. Come to the Citadel. We will review the evidence and discuss this in private. Valern out.”

Turning towards the console, I started typing up a message to Admiral Hackett, wanting to keep him upraised of the situation. At the same time, I tilted towards the ceiling as I opened a comm channel to the flight deck.

“Joker, EDI. Change our course and get a supply list going. We’re heading back to the Citadel.”


	8. Chapter 8

Thane was dead.

Large strides were being made to repair and improve C-Sec and Citadel systems, to prevent any more coup attempts. I had a name and a file on the assassin that led the charge and killed another of my friends, and Kaidan was back on board. We had continued on mission, saving a group of ex-Cerberus scientist from their former employer, giving us an edge in the fight against them, and saving Samara’s last daughter from turning into a very dangerous Reaper herself. I even managed to prevent Samara from killing herself for fear she would have to then kill the last of her daughters herself. We were now headed to meet with the Quarians about joining the galactic war efforts, gaining the firepower of the largest fleet in the galaxy. But whenever I came back on board it was like a numb sense of detachment. Whenever I found myself in a spare moment with nothing needing immediate attention, that one though would come back to center focus in my mind.

Another friend was dead and I hadn’t been able to stop it.

I sat up straighter, letting my hands fall free from the hair they’d been tangled in long enough for my neck to ache and looked around my quarters. Perched on the end of my bed, I scanned the room for the hundredth time and felt my chest tightened when they fell on the closed door. At the start of every night cycle, the end of every mission, I found myself sitting and waiting silently for… _something_. I’d cut back on my time spent in the cargo hold, as Doc had requested, but now I felt like my time was being wasted here, accomplishing nothing else. Yet here I found myself, and every time my eyes would find themselves wondering back to the door, as if waiting for it to open.

It didn’t take me long to figure out who I’d been waiting for. My anger at myself had brought me to my feet and even indented my hand into the inner bulkhead of my cabin wall. Thankfully I always had a stash of medigel in my nightstand, not needing another lecture from Doctor Chakwas. I knew I needed to remind myself who the hell I was, to pick _myself_ back up and get back to work. Garrus hadn’t come up after re-boarding from the Citadel, or after any of the other missions. The way he stormed out after we’d almost… he wasn’t going to come and pick up the pieces. He would probably never come back up here again. For all I could tell, the friendship that had lasted through and long past my own death was beyond repair.

I felt the tears stinging at my eyes yet again, after I’d thought they were long dried for Thane. But I knew better than to fool myself that way, I knew damn well what… _who_ they were for. All the good I’d done over the years, distancing myself from people, keeping that professionalism, was falling apart around me and I felt powerless against it. The only thing that had gotten me back up and moving were the calls from Joker, ETA’s on missions only I could handle, and Traynor, reminding me of unread messages from even more people that needed my help. I was a complete wreck all over again, but this time without any of the benefits. _This_ was why relationships were so damned dangerous in this line of work.

Anger was another motivator, but storming around the ship was not any better for morale than moping. So instead I just stayed in my cabin, torn between crying, punching things, and planning for our next mission. Back when my body had been under my own control I’d never had these problems. I would tell myself to shake it off and I would, I would tell myself to ignore any possible interest in someone else and it was out of mind. Tell myself to dive headlong into the impossible and be willing to die… did that without question.

Scraping the moisture from my face, I push myself to my feet and head towards my shower. Stripping off I turned on the water and stepped under the scolding hot spray. I knew I was just trying to punish myself, hoping that the hard scrubbing and hot temperatures would somehow recalibrate my body into behaving the way it used to. It hadn’t worked any other time I’d done it, but it made me feel at least the base level of productive. Joker’s voice cutting through the rushing water was an even more welcome distraction.

“Commander, we’re approaching the coordinates in Dholen, but there is only one ship here.”

I cut the water off, as if less noise would change his response. “Their fleet’s not here?”

EDI joined the channel. “There are no readings of other ships in this sector.”

I grabbed a towel with a sigh of frustration. “How long until we dock?”

“ETA is thirty minutes.”

“When they board tell them to head to the War Room. They better have a good explanation.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am.”

I was dry, dressed and passing through the CIC by the time Joker initiated the docking protocol and announced that they were coming aboard, but I didn’t wait. Heading through the scanner, I descended into the central ring and rounded the main console, pulling up all the information we had on our war efforts so far. If this was some kind of stalling tactic, I was going to be ready for them.

When the door opened I looked up to find four familiar suits walking into the room, belonging to the same four Admirals I had argued with at Tali’s trial before we hit the Omega 4 relay. A tenseness settled into my shoulders, preparing for the argument that always seemed to form among them. It was Admiral Raan that broke the oppressive silence as she descended the steps.

“Commander Shepard. A pleasure to see you again, though I wish it were under better circumstances.”

When the doors had closed behind them and I knew I would have all of their attention, I skipped the banter and dove right to it, unable to keep the anger and frustration from my voice. “I’d hoped for your support in the fight against the Reapers. What’s going on?”

“Seventeen days ago, with precision strikes on four Geth systems, the Quarians initiated the war to retake our Homeworld.” My glare focused on Admiral Gerrel as he spoke, having the nerve to sound please with his announcement. _This_ was why their fleet wasn’t here?

Admiral Koris jumped in before I could respond, though his thoughts seemed to follow similar lines to my own. “Which was a clear violation of our agreement with the Council to avoid provoking the Geth!” He’d always seemed like the reasonable one, and from his tone it was clear he was still more interested in peace with the Geth, as well as the rest of the galaxy.

“A treaty violation is nothing compared to recovering our Homeworld and advanced AI technology.” Admiral Xen interjected, her own opinion still unchanged.

The reality of the situation was becoming clear. “Your Homeworld? You mean Rannoch?” That was why they wanted to meet here, the only Relay link available to the Perseus Veil and the Tikkun system where Rannoch was.

“Correct, Commander.” Raan’s voice was surprised as well as somber. “Three hundred years ago, we lost our world to our own AI creations, the Geth.”

Admiral Koris “After we attempted to kill them.” Koris filled in the piece that none of them ever wanted to admit.

“We didn’t try to kill them, Koris. We tried to deactivate them. It wasn’t murder.” Xen, once again, proved why peace would be such a hard-fought victory, so many of their people aligning with her superiority complex. One I took personal and felt the need to disillusion.

“No, it was murder.”

“Commander, the Quarians never intended to create a true AI.” My hand scrubbed against my forehead at Admiral Raan’s words, wondering why they could not see what was so obvious, not only to myself but clearly the Geth. “It was an accident.”

“Which you chose to correct by trying to kill them.”

Gerrel, Xen and even Raan exchanged looks, but still gave no leeway. Only Koris spoke up, his own disgust evident in his tone. “Don’t bother. Admitting we were wrong would undercut the justification for this suicidal invasion plan.”

Taking a steady breath, I turned my attention back to the matter he had just returned to central focus. “So you’re throwing yourselves at the Geth? Again?” I looked at each of them in turn, trying to impress upon them the severity of the situation that they seemed as keen as the Council had been to ignore. “And you thought this would be a great time, when the rest of the galaxy is trying to prevent _everyone’s_ extinction?”

They didn’t look away and I understood what strategy they were playing at, but before I could call them out, Koris dropped the final bomb. “And this time, we may have destroyed our people for good.”

As if he’d been waiting for the que, Gerrel stepped forward and sent his readings from him Omni tool to the console display. “We’d driven the Geth back to the home system when this signal began broadcasting to all Geth ships.”

All the time I’d spent watching similar readings since I’d been chasing down Saren, it was far too easy for me to recognize. “The Reapers.”

Not surprised by my quick conclusion, he continued. “Under Reaper control, the Geth are significantly more effective. Our fleet it pinned in the home system. If we’re going to win…”

“Win?” Koris broke it, sounding as incredulous as I felt. “You insisted on involving the civilian ships, Admiral Gerrel! We need to retreat or we’ll lose the liveships!”

With a clear goal now on the table, I finally knew where to start. “Where’s the signal coming from?”

Gerrel spun the display around, zooming in away from the fighting. “Here. A Geth dreadnought. It can outgun anything we’ve got, and it’s heavily defended.”

It was hardly different than Legion’s mission against the Heretics. “The Normandy’s stealth drive can get us in undetected. I could board, then disable the Reaper command signal.”

“Yes, cutting off the signal should throw the Geth into complete disarray.” Xen’s tone put me on edge, so I stressed our purpose.

“And while they’re confused, you get to a mass relay and retreat.”

“Good.” Koris, clearly on the same page, seemed to relax. “Our civilian ships have seen too much fighting already. Are you certain you can disable the signal?”

I met his eyes through his helmet, showing him my confidence. “We’ll get you out of their safely, Admiral.”

Raan turned away from the console, towards the door as it began to open unexpectedly. “Our newest Admiral has also volunteered to offer technical expertise…”

The tension in the room lifted a fraction as I instantly recognized her. “Tali’Zorah vas Normandy, reporting for duty.”

“Glad you could make it, Tali.” I lost my hold on a smile for the briefest of moments, but managed to smother it as I looked back at the others. “Admirals, I’ll ready a team to hit that dreadnought.”

“Thank you, Commander.”

I nodded to Raan before rounding the console and met Tali at the steps, following her back out of the room and waiting for the doors to close again behind us before I spoke again. “Admiral?”

She paused for a moment, her voice sounding more confident that I had remembered. “It’s mostly formality. I’m an expert on the Geth.”

“That you are.” We stepped into the conference room and she made her way over to the window.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“If I’d known it was this bad, I would have come sooner.” I had little concern for the selfishness of the majority of the Admirals, but I couldn’t hold them against Tali and the rest of the Quarians.

She shook her head, turning to look at me and I could see how much she’d grown again. “You’ve had your own trouble. I’m sorry about Earth.” Her eyes shifted back to the window and it was clear she knew what was really happening here. “We’ve got the largest fleet in the galaxy. If you can help us, we’ll hit the Reapers with everything we’ve got.” Her confidence wavered. “Or… however much if left after this stupid war.”

Her tone surprised me, realizing she may not be on the side of it I’d assumed. “I thought you’d support the invasion.”

“No. After talking to Legion, I thought maybe there was a chance for peace.” Her knowing eyes met mine for a moment over her shoulder. “And certainly not the timing.” She did know what they were doing, but she didn’t support it. But that brought in a whole new question.

“So why help them?”

“I’m an admiral. People look to me for guidance. Public disagreement would divide the fleet.” Her voice sounded torn, between what she knew was right and what was best for her people in the moment. She really had grown up.

“I’ll get your people out of here safely, Tali.”

“Thanks, Shepard.” She rounded on me again and for a moment I saw the young part of her that I remembered. “And just so you know, I need to keep things strictly business in front of the admirals. If you’d like to catch up, let’s talk somewhere private.”

My gut tightened again as I realized… She didn’t know yet. “Sure thing.”

Her smile was genuine, but quickly turned serious and we were back to business. “I’m ready to hit that dreadnought whenever you are.”


	9. Chapter 9

I was back up in my quarters again. Hiding seemed to be the best descriptor, even if it stuck in my throat, but I hadn’t come up with anything else convincing.

Tali was staying, even though we had made peace with the Geth and her people were already resettling on Rannoch. She had decided to stay with us and help with the war effort directly. As much as I knew we needed her, and part of me was glad that she was here, the larger part was withdrawing from the easy comradery I’d walked in on, every time I’d gone to speak with her. It was as if she and Garrus spoke constantly, and from the rushed cut-off of the comms when she’d seen me, I knew he’d told her what had happened.

I was thankful she hadn’t brought it up beyond that, but somehow it almost seemed like she was being even more friendly with him than she used to. Of course it was possible that I had been a part of this in the memories that were no longer mine, but now it was all too clear I was on the outside. What was worse… I could feel the jealously churning in my stomach, no matter how I tried to stamp it back down. It felt like she was going to take away something that I’d already renounced all claim to, and I couldn’t deny, to myself or anyone who would have thought to ask, it hurt.

But thankfully no one did. If they assumed anything it was because of yet another hurt to distract myself with instead. Legion was dead. We had argued about his individuality multiple times and I still would maintain that while all the programs that ‘occupied his platform’ were together, they made up an individual entity. In the end he had proven me right, only to share that individuality with the rest of his people, so that they might all be free. As long as there were Geth there would be a piece of him, but he himself… was gone.

That was the other reason I’d been staying up here. Just like after Thane, I’d come up here and cried my eyes dry and irritated, only now I had no missions to distract myself with. There had been nothing but organizing the Quarian fleets and delegating resources for the last two days, and with Tali in the war room to coordinate with them, I couldn’t bring myself to stay any longer than necessary. Bypassing my terminal in the CIC I’d ran back here like a coward and thrown myself into another scolding shower.

Unfortunately the moisture had only rejuvenated my tears and I turned it back off in a huff. Now I sat in an unceremonious pile beside the bed, head buried in my hands as if grinding them into my eyes would block the images of his body collapsing lifelessly against the rocks of Rannoch from my mind. What would the galaxy think if they could see the broken woman that was supposed to unite the races and lead the charge now? That tore a wet, self-deprecating laugh from me just as I heard the door slide open.

Scrambling to my feet, for just an instant looking to see where I might hide, I blinked to clear my eyes before rounding on the intruder, ready to tell them to get out. But the words died as his form stopped at the top of the stairs, sharp blue eyes finding me instantly.

“Garrus…” We simply started at each other for a long moments, his eyes as surprised as I was that he was standing in my cabin again.

When it dragged on too long, the silence becoming oppressive, I forced myself to break it. “I… wasn’t expecting you…” I hadn’t made it any better, my words fading off awkwardly without conclusion, bringing embarrassed color to my face. But the look on his own said he’d understood my deeper meaning, not thinking he would subject himself to it again after what had happened the last time. What had been said and… not said.

I couldn’t seem to control the hard beating of my heart, even at this distant proximity. His own weight shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, showing the same uncertainty. His mandibles were pinned to the sides of his face and his sub-vocals clamped down, only adding to the weight in the room. I could almost feel the effort it took when he finally forced himself to say something,

“I thought…” His own tension seemed to snap with a frustrated grunt, forcing his eyes away from me as if he’d been having the same trouble I was. “I don’t know what I thought.” I felt somewhere between weightless and falling and I knew that it was my body trying to fight against my control. It wanted desperately to move towards him, to somehow ease his pain and torment. I failed, if only for half a step before I rooted myself to the hard metal floor, but it hadn’t gone unnoticed. Without turning his head away from the fish tank, his eye snapped to the corner of his vision and locked on to my feet, slowing rising up my form as if scanning me even without his visor’s help.

When his gaze finally came even with mine, I felt the pounding in my chest suddenly drop heavily into my gut. His eye was flat and guarded, revealing nothing, just waiting and watching. I had rushed into his arms the last time and it had ended with us both hurt and our friendship irreparably broken. What other damage could I yet inflict upon him before my body learned its lesson? Taking a deep, steadying breath, I forced myself to stand tall and confident, meeting his gaze calmly.

“I’m fine, Garrus.” It was a lie and I knew it. It was the same one that I told everyone else, and they all swallowed it because they needed to. They needed to believe it so that they could say it themselves and believe it. But as he turned and fixed me with both of his eyes again, I knew that he didn’t. His feet seemed to bring him down the steps before he could stop them and I feared being able to control myself if he reached me. Thankfully he halted only half way across the span, his eyes suddenly full of multiple emotions. But the most forefront was clearly anger.

“You are not _fine_ , Shepard.” I opened my mouth to argue, but snapped it shut again, knowing it would be more lies. Meeting eyes that seemed able to see everything under the surface, I just couldn’t. He took my silence as his answer, taking a much more controlled step closer. “Three of our own are gone. You punched Admiral Gerrel, almost costing you the Quarian fleet. You never talk to the crew anymore.” Each truth was a hit to the gut, punctuated with another step closer. “This isn’t like you. You are anything but _fine_.”

“You mean it’s not like _her_.” His mandibles went slack for a moment and I felt like I had just cut a piece of myself away. And yet, for all intents and purpose, it was true. At some point it had to be acknowledged, I was different than this _other Shepard_ he was morning, and I had my own reasons for what I was doing. Moral was low, but would it be any higher if they saw their Commander cracking? Would it help the war effort if I showed myself as simply a weak Human? I needed to stay strong in their eyes so they would keep faith, even if it meant that I was not as involved with the crew. His refusal to understand that brought a rush of my own anger at the surface. “I’m on mission. _That’s_ what matters, Garrus.”

“ _On mission_.” His hissed the words out, one of his hands visibly brushes aside my defense and taking another step closer. “They were your friends, Shepard. I don’t believe for a minute that you aren’t affected by this.”

I staggered back a step, almost falling onto the end of the bed, but I catch myself as my blood pumps harder through my arms. “Of course I’m affected, of course I care, but it can’t, affect, the _mission_.” He hisses in a Turian version of a scoff, turning away slightly and I can’t fight the need to defend myself. “If I fail, they died for nothing.”

It felt like a victory as I turned away from him, hoping he would take the dismissal and leave, but instead of his retreat I heard a low growl. Rounding on him again I see his mandibles flexing out, showing his sharp teeth for a moment, but it wasn’t a threatening gesture. Instead his hands flex outward again and he starts to pace cross the space at the end of my bed. “You make this so _frustrating_.”

He was close enough now to reach out for as he walked past, and as I realized it I folded my arms across my chest to prevent them from doing it on their own. I tried to disguise it as just my frustration, letting my own annoyance bleed through my voice. “Then why are you here, Garrus?”

“Because it’s obvious that you need _something_.” He stopped his pacing, stepping back in and crowding me as his arms gestured with his words. But he also seeming restrained, like he was fighting an urge to reach for me as well. “Even if you won’t acknowledge it, even if _you_ would never ask for it, that doesn’t mean it’s not still there.”

I grip my arms tighter, my nail digging in though my uniform as I forced myself not react to his proximity. “ _You_ said I was different and it’s become very clear that I am. How do you know what I need?”

“You _are_ different, but despite it all you’re still… _you_!” He reached up, stopping just before his hand brushed my face and I had to grit my teeth to not move towards it.

“You can’t have it both ways, Garrus.”

“I can’t _have it_ at all.” His hand finally dropped, gesturing to my form on its way back down to his side.

I held my breath until he was still again, letting it out in a rush. “You were never this selfish.”

“I never had anything that was really _mine_.” He took the last step that he could take, somehow still leaving a breath of space between us while towering over me. “You gave me hope, Shepard. Something that would have been sorely lacking in the galaxy if it wasn’t for you. But more than that, you gave me something to fight for.” My breath came out in a shudder, feeling it bounce back against his face as Mordin and Liara’s words rang in my mind and I had to force them down.

“But fighting is the problem.” My voice was barely a whisper, cracking softly, but I knew he could still hear me. “When you have someone that you don’t want to lose, that you can’t live without, you make mistakes.” I want to pace, if only to put some physical distance between us, but I hold fast, still not trusting my body with him so close. “You are willing to veer even just slightly off mission to try and save them and you get a lot of people killed.” I’d been trying so hard to control my body that my thoughts just spilled out. I felt an icy chill run down my spine as his eyes widened in surprise, and I suddenly couldn’t put the cap back on it, trembling slightly as it just kept coming. “Maybe they discharge you for it, or maybe they slap you with a medal and a promotion, making you the face of the fucking Alliance because you were the only damn survivor and that was more important than the lives lost.”

The room seemed suddenly very still, the constant tremor of sound I hadn’t noticed he was making was gone. I felt exhausted and turned to let myself drop to the edge of the bed, surprised that he is the one to take an uneasy step back. Risking a glance back up at him, I see a level of both understanding and confusion dawn on his face. I realized that, even in whatever relationship we had, I’d never told him. All the fight and resistance that I carried, protecting myself from anyone who had shown interest in me, faded and I was left with the raw truth.

“I’d never actually dated anyone before. My parents discouraged it because we were always changing deployment; I even bounced between two ships for one term. I’d gotten physical in my teens, who wouldn’t with hormones, but I’d never made any kind of commitment before.” I fought the renewed stinging in my eyes and forced myself to reveal my shame.

“When I was assigned to that unit, I met him. It was damn near instant chemistry, and we were still young enough that breaking the rules about fraternization was worth the risk. But it didn’t take long for it to turn into more. He started talking about us in terms of… years… It didn’t occur to me to mind. When we were sent to Akuze… I had a small squad in the unit. He’d been so proud of me, even though he was still just a grunt.” I paused for a moment, my gaze focusing on my hands that had fallen loosely to my lap.

“I had every opportunity to save my group, to get them away from the fighting and to the LZ… but as I led them through the campsite turned battlefield, I caught sight of him. I saw him go down and I saw that life with him, that he talked about _constantly_ , slipping away. I turned my squad in his direction, but we never even reached him. The Threshers came back, wiped out half of us with one blow, took out another squad with a second, and another came back to finish off my team. I happened to find a grenade belt, pulled all the pins and threw it at the next that tried to take me out. Its head exploded, scaring off the other one, but by that time everyone else was dead or beyond medical help.”

I forced myself to look up at him, finding him a few steps further away, eyes staring blankly at the floor, only looking back up at my silence. When his eyes met mine again, I stressed my point, not sparing myself. “I got good soldiers killed because I was in love and I didn’t want to lose him. If I _let_ myself be in love with you, how can I trust myself not to choose you over the galaxy?”

His eyes were wide as he processed, but my heart sank as hope seemed to rise in them again. “You’ve come a long way, Shepard. You’ve seen so much, more than anyone else, and you _know_ the difference between someone you can save and someone you have to let go.” I dropped my gaze, shaking my head, but he didn’t stop, stepping closer again until I felt his hand lifting my chin to look at him. “When we were on the Collectors home world, you gave me command of the team, trusted me to stay on mission even though it separated us. We were trapped on the other side of that door, but you pulled Tali out of the way when she almost took a direct hit, even though it could have closed the door before I made it through.”

I remembered the feeling in my gut from the same memory, even though it didn’t include having slept with him. It felt like I’d been shot when I thought he wouldn’t make it, but he did and we’d still won the battle. He seemed to sense some of what I was feeling and pulled me up until I was standing in front of him again, his hand still holding my chin.

“We both had experience and trust in each other, we knew the mission and what needed to be done for it to succeed. But that didn’t mean the time we had needed to be spent alone.” He leaned closer, like he was about to kiss me again and I didn’t have the wherewithal to stop him. But, instead, he stopped just sky, his breath ghosting over my face just as my own had his. “You had learned from your mistakes, but now you are so desperate not to repeat them that you are pushing everyone who needs you away.” I can feel the hope shining in my own eyes, but I just can’t bring myself to give in. I close my eyes and mouth tight, hoping for the strength to resist if he closed that last gap between us. But instead I only feel his warm breath ghost across my skin. “The Shepard I fell in love with would never have done that.”

I almost fell as he suddenly releases me, my eyes flying open to see him walking away. He never stopped as he climbed the stairs and passed through the door, the heavy metal closing soundly behind him. That was it… it was the end. There would be no other advances, no arguments. He was done. Yet, somehow, I didn’t feel like I’ve won anything.


	10. Chapter 10

I had to force myself to eat something, even though I felt like shriveling up and wasting away. I already knew Doctor Chakwas’ thoughts on the matter, but the foreboding feeling about the ship wasn’t helping any. It was a sense of failure, the morale and hope cracking all around me… and it was all my fault. I had managed all fire and brimstone at the debrief, my anger at Cerberus and Kia Lang fueling me, but now… all that was left was my failure.

Stomaching all I could, I cleared my place at the otherwise empty table and turned for the elevator. Whether no one else felt much like eating either, or were simply avoiding me; I couldn’t blame them either way. I didn’t much care for my own company and was fully prepared to bury myself in whatever war data I could as we made our way towards the Lera system and the slim chance of finding Cerberus on Horizon. But rounding the elevator, I suddenly felt like what I’d forced down was about to come back up. Tali was standing, staring at the monument of our fallen… of all the other people I’d already failed. I felt shame at wondering if I would be able to call the elevator and get in before she saw me, but my train of thought failed when I heard her speaking.

“She went straight to her cabin. She’s not answering her comm.”

“ _How bad?_ ” My stomach churned again at the sound of Garrus’ voice in response, thinking for a moment about the comradery even now, instead of who they must have been talking about.

“I’ve never seen Liara like this. Not even after Noveria.”

“ _Damn_.” The churning was for a different reason now. Had I really not thought about her, about how she must be feeling right now? Sometimes I forgot just how young she still was for her people.

“Could you talk to her? You’ve known her as long as any of us. And with Palaven…”

“ _I’m just another damn reminder of how many people are dying. You should talk to her._ ” I understood the uncertainty in his voice, not just trying to put off a hard conversation, but worried he would say something that would only make it worse.

“I just regained my Homeworld. She just lost hers.” She had as good a reason to hesitate as he did and I felt my stomach drop in realization.

“ _Well, I don’t have any magic words. She needs time. Maybe… call her later._ ”

If I hadn’t been pushing them all away, just like he’d said I was, they wouldn’t need to have this conversation. I would have had the courage to just go and do it, like I should have already done… like she had for me. As the Commander in charge, yes, but also as a friend. I had accused Garrus of becoming selfish, but I really had left them all behind, wrapping myself up so much in work and trying to control my own feelings. I had torn whatever support I had given them away and expected them to simply stay standing tall.

Deciding then and there, I slipped back around the elevator and made my way towards the door of her mobile Shadow Broker base. When I hit the console, it opened immediately, and I felt shame again at my surprise. We had been good friends, almost as long as Garrus, Tali and I, and she had been partly responsible for my being resurrected. There was a bond that never should have been pushed aside… that _I_ never should have taken for granted.

When I stepped inside, I waited for her and EDI to finish speaking over the comms, not wanting to intrude on their conversation. Only when they fell silent did I make my way across the room to where she sat on her bed, surrounded by loose data pads. They were scrolling through their information, no doubt statistics from the Reaper infested planet we’d just left behind. Glancing at each in turn, but barely seeing what they said, she only glanced sideways at me for a moment to acknowledge my presence. I could see the dampness of her eyes, but just as I had tried so hard to stop tears from flowing, her cheeks were dry.

I gave her time, letting her speak when she was ready. “How did this happen, Shepard?” It was a quiet but still strong sound, obviously doing better with her own battle than I had. “My entire civilization, the Asari history… the Protheans made it a lie all along. And I abandoned my people to hunt for the Catalyst!”

For an instant I realized how Garrus must have felt, listening to me blaming myself for so many thing that were probably as outside my control as the invasion had been hers. “Liara, you had nothing to do with the attack on Thessia.”

“ _Nothing to do with it_? I told those people on Thessia we’d save them! How many Asari died because I demanded their help?” She was holding herself responsible for her whole world burning… the same way I was Earth and the whole galaxy. I was doing everything I could, and some things were just out of our control. We just had to brush it off, like Anderson had said, and keep moving forward.

I pressed my hand against the bed, inside her field of vision, and said a single word with a strong, clear voice. “None.”

The certainty in my tone and the shock of what I had actually said finally brought her wide eyes up to meet mine, just as a tear finally broke loose and slid down her blue cheek. “Shepard, that isn’t true.”

Pulling my hand back, I turned and started back across her quarters. “You’ve been warning your people for four years, Liara. There’s not a damn thing you should feel guilty about.” It was as much a lecture for myself as it was for her, bringing myself to her console and starting to pull up lists of her contact and resources by order of proximity. “If we move fast enough, they’ll have a chance to survive this, to start again. We lost Thessia, but we haven’t lost the Asari yet.”

It felt good to have a sudden purpose, or even just a reminder of the one we already had, and hearing her rise from her bed and start towards me, I knew she was feeling the same thing. “Helping the refugees…” I stepped out of her way as she reached me, knowing she could do it even faster than I could. “That’s something I can do. It’s something I owe them.”

I felt a genuine smile slipping across my face for the first time in… a long time. “I knew you’d think of something.”

She continued typing away, turning only long enough to regard me with her own sad smile. “I still need some time, Shepard, but thank you.”

I nodded, even though she was no longer looking, and turned back towards her door. Space was understandable, but she was in a better place now than she had been. Just because someone cared enough to step in and reminder her what she was capable of… It didn’t make her weak or any less of a badass, it just made her… made _me_ , Human.

I’d stopped just outside of her door, letting it close behind me as the realization hit hard. Garrus hadn’t been as wrong as I’d believed. Raising my gaze, feeling ready to get _myself_ back to work with renewed vigor, I was surprised when it met the same blue I’d just been thinking about. He stood at the edge of the Mess Hall a few meters away, breathing a little harder than normal and looking like he’d been heading for Liara’s door. Had he been running?

My surprise at seeing him was reflected in his own eyes and I saw a flicker of what could have been hope shine in them again. The tightening in my stomach returned, but for the first time since encountering the Leviathan, it didn’t feel like it was so wrong. New, slightly terrifying, yes… but not as wrong as it had been.

But I had also hurt him, multiple times now. Despite his presence here, attention clearly directed at me, our last conversation had ended with a definitive withdrawal. If I wanted _anything_ from him, even just to try and fix our friendship, I needed to be prepared. To understand. With a slight nod towards him, I turned back towards the elevator and convinced my feet to move.

Rounding the wall, I was almost as surprised to see Tali, looking around the far side after Garrus. My heart almost felt like it was being squeezed, guessing she was waiting to go and talk to him. But when I hit the call for the elevator she jumped almost clean out of her suit and turned towards me.

“Sh-Shepard! You… uh, talked with Liara?” Her voice was hopeful and I put the pieces together. She had been talking with Garrus and must have seen me go into her quarters. He had come running from wherever he’d been and found me as I was leaving. My heart relaxed again as I realized they were just worried about their friends. Including me.

I couldn’t help the encouraging smile. “Hopefully she’s doing better now.”

Her eyes seemed to go wide, practically shinning inside her helmet. “Thanks for talking to her. Neither of us knew what to say.”

“Not much we can say, but being there helps.” She nodded, seeming to be fighting with herself for a moment, before she flung herself at me. Catching her in a hug, her arms squeezed tightly around my waist, felt like something else I’d been missing. She only released me when the elevator door opened, taking a step back and beaming at me from within her helmet. I couldn’t help smiling back, feeling more like the _myself_ I’d thought I’d lost as I stepped in and hit the command for my cabin.

When the doors closed, I turned up towards the comms. “EDI.”

“ _Yes, Shepard_?”

“You had mentioned before that you had logs of Garrus and I… interacting.”

“ _Yes. While you had requested I not record personal time in your quarters_ ,” I let out a quiet sigh of relief, “ _I do have logs of some social interactions that had taken place elsewhere on the ship_.”

I took an extra breath, for courage. “Would you please send them to the private terminal in my cabin?”

“ _Of course_.” There was a momentary pause. “ _Files have been sent_.”

“Thank you, EDI.”

“ _Logging you out, Shepard_.”

I waited impatiently, rushing out of the elevator when it finally reached my level and pushing between my cabin doors as soon as they opened. But I came to a hard stop at the entrance to my office area, a sudden realization of what I was about to look at making me uneasy. Stepping up to the desk, I opened my terminal and pulled up the group of recorded files. I was about to see myself doing and saying things that I didn’t remember. An odd chill took root at the base of my neck, but at the same time my heart started to beat harder, pumping blood and some adrenalin though my system.

With another calming breath, I slipped into my chair and pulled up the first file. It was in the main battery, back before the retrofits; Garrus was standing in his usual spot at the main gun as I stepped through the door.

“ _Shepard. Need me for something?_ ”

“ _Have you got a minute?_ ”

“ _Sure. Just killing time, anyway. I wanted to thank you again for your help with Sidonis. Whatever happens with the Collectors or the Reapers or whoever else comes after us, you’ll get the job done_.”

“ _You actually think we’ll find something worse than Collectors or Reapers_?”

I remembered this conversation. Garrus had mentioned it in the Med Bay after they’d destroyed the orb that had been controlling me. Speeding through, I saw myself go over and sit down on the crates stacked against the wall, as I usually did. It had been an interesting conversation about how Turians handle high risk missions, but that was all it had been in my memory. When I saw myself get back up, but not head towards the exit I let it play again.

“ _It sounds like you’re carrying some tension. Maybe I could help you get rid of it_.” I struck a pose that would have made it obvious to any Human man what I was suggesting and I felt my face heat up slightly.

“ _I, ah, didn’t think you’d feel like sparring, Commander_.”

I choked back on a laugh at how oblivious he’d been, but almost choked again when I literally sauntered over to stand between him and his console. “ _What if we skip right to the tiebreaker? We could test your reach… and my flexibility_.”

Where the _hell_ had I gotten the courage to say _that_? Garrus’ brain had obvious stumbled over the same thought, while trying to process being proposition by his friend and Commanding officer.

“ _Oh! I didn’t… huh. Never knew you had a weakness for men with scars_.” I actually laughed that time; very smooth recovery. “ _Well, why the hell not? There’s nobody in this galaxy I respect more than you_.” He was pacing at that point, but out of deeper thought, not nerves. “ _And if we can figure out a way to make it work, then… yeah. Definitely_.” I felt my blood heat up again, just at the tone of his voice. Somehow, at the time, I’d kept my cool, smiling at him as I walked past and back out of the battery.

The file ended and I could only blink at the screen. I _had_ started it, like he said. But, while I had known they had no reason to lie to me, I had been absolutely right about how weird this would be to watch. It was me, my same voice, my same body type, my same mannerisms… my same feelings for him. And even right after I had suggested it, it was clear he’d never thought about it himself, but he was damn near instantly interested. There was something to say about a confidence booster.

Feeling it, even just from the vid, I moved eagerly on to the next file. The image that pulled up was a wide view of the Shuttle Bay, from near the elevator. On the left of the screen I could see Garrus and I sitting on the crates stacked by the shuttle. Our backs were to the camera, but the audio came through clearly.

“ _They are so quick to believe him. He says he didn’t risk our lives unnecessarily, but I don’t trust him_.” It was after the Collector ship, the trap the Illusive Man had let us walk straight into.

“ _You have experience on your side, Shepard. They’ve only seen him from the inside and the good he shows coming out of his work. You’ve seen what happens to those on the receiving end, both Human and not alike_.”

“ _She even admitted they have minimal contact across the cells. They don’t even know what else he has people working on_.” I can hear my own sigh of frustration. “ _It doesn’t change the fact that we need him, his resources. But…_ ” I trailed off, but he was quick to fill it in.

“ _But you’re the one calling the shots. Everyone you bring on board, everyone you help with their personal missions is loyal to you, to_ your _mission. If needs be, once this is over, we can overpower Miranda and Jacob until we can get off someplace and leave Cerberus behind_.”

I nod solemnly, but I can just make out a smile on my face as I turn towards him. “ _You could always tell that I hated it_.”

“ _You, work for Cerberus without good reason? Alenko is insane to doubt you._ ” His head leans in close and rests against mine, a simple gesture but the hard beating of my heart told me it was more intimate that it looked. “ _We’ll get this done, Shepard. I’ve got your six_.”

There were several files that were only a few seconds long. Different shots of us leaning our heads together, but only when no one else seemed to be around. I was thankful that we at least had tact. Even if most of the crew was in support of us, like EDI had observed, I wasn’t the kind of person who liked my private life to be center stage.

The next file opened and I was surprised to find I was looking at the Medical Lab. My heart lurched painfully when my eyes locked on Mordin, standing at his station as he always did, fussing over some test or scan. I heard the door open and watch myself walk over to the other side of his table, making sure I wasn’t in his way, and waited for him to acknowledge me.

“ _Shepard. How can I help_?”

“ _Have you got a minute to talk_?”

“ _Actually wanted to talk. Medical matters._ ” I was surprised when he stepped away from his microscope and rounded his station to stand even with me. “ _Aware that mission is dangerous. Different species react differently to stress. Sexual activity normal stress relief for Humans and Turians. Still recommend caution. Warn of chafing_.”

I felt my cheeks heating up and was surprised at how calm I sounded when I answered him. “ _I intend to be cautious, Doctor, but Garrus is important to me. You’re not going to scare me off._ ” The blatant honestly, while the only real way to communicate with him, was surprising from me on such a personal matter. Already I could see that the feelings I had for him were pretty serious.

“ _Of course. Hormones. Regardless, come see me later. May need analgesic. Chafing._ ”

There was more to it, several minutes of what I could only guess was an embarrassing sex talk from a Salarian Doctor with little to no tact, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch. My eyes had already started to burn at the sound of his rushed, scientific way of speaking. Someday it would be a memory I was glad to visit again and again, but right now it was still too soon.

Moving to the next file I found the whole team surrounding the console in the comms room, already suited up and ready to carry out our mission. They turned and started to file out of the room only for Garrus to catch my arm and hold me back. Only when the room was empty did he speak, his sub-vocals ringing with what I recognized as worry.

“ _Shepard, are you sure about this?_ ”

“ _I’m sure Garrus_.” I place my hand on his arm, but he let it drop from my own.

“ _It’s just… after Omega_ …”

“ _Garrus_ ,” shifting, I put my hands on both of his mandibles, forcing him to look me in the eye. “ _You are a good leader. They trust you, they’ll listen to you_.” His mandibles flare out, pushing against my hands and I shake my head. “I _trust you. You are the right man for this job_.”

His tone shifted to one of confidence and promise. “ _I won’t let you down_.”

“ _I know_.”

I paused after the file closed, not sure why I was so surprised. If he had been helping me to stay confident and focused, then it should have been obvious I would do the same for him. But after Omega he had seemed so driven and focused. He hadn’t hesitate when I’d appointed him for the head of the second team on the Collector Homeworld. Was that the impression that I left on other as well? Calm, confident, always knowing that I’m making the right decision? It’s no wonder the civilian crew from Cerberus was so surprised by my dedication to the mission. It wouldn’t be hard to see someone like that as less than Human, especially after being brought back from the dead. And I could see why, after opening myself up to a relationship with Garrus, they would have found me more relatable, like EDI had said.

I moved to the next file, opening it to see a view from over the kitchen area to where Garrus and I sat at the Mess tables. I was leaning back, fork in my hand to pick at the tray of food in front of me, but not seeming interested in eating it.

“ _You did the right thing_.”

My head snapped up towards him before looking back down, stabbing more harshly at another piece. “ _Of course I did, there was no way I could have left that base in his hands_.”

“ _No, I mean leaving Cerberus_.” I paused, as surprised watching this as I probably had been that he’d seen my deeper fear so easily.

I let out a hard sigh, giving up on the fork altogether. “ _He has… resources. What if we need him, what if the Council, or even the Alliance isn’t willing to_ -”

“ _They will all have to wake up eventually. But what if he keeps pushing for things like keeping the base for research purposes? He could push hard enough to convince you to sacrifice your morals for his end goal, whatever_ that _is. You would be discredited to the rest of the Galaxy, no matter your reasons_.” He paused for a moment, clearly letting me take in his words. “ _You have the Normandy, you have EDI, you have an entire ship that used to work for them that believes you made the right call and will back you publicly if needed. And you did, Shepard. You’ve done everything you could up to this point. Now it’s their turn to catch back up_.”

I lean forward, reaching across the table to take his hand, a very open gesture for such a public area. “ _What would I do without you_?”

“ _You’d find a way, Shepard. Maybe not as stylish of one, but you’d find a way to win_.”

I could feel the effects of his words even now. It _had_ been the right decision, even if I had spent six months in lockup to help prove it to the rest of the galaxy. Or, at least, all but the Batarians; that might be a wound that never heals. But, even though we were struggling, we still had a far better chance of succeeding together than any of the races would apart. And if the Illusive Man was really indoctrinated, there was a good chance I would have ended up in the same state, thinking I was doing the right thing.

There was one final file in the list. Opening it I saw the main battery after the retrofits had been started. I walked in from the bottom of the screen, following the side of the Thanix down to where Garrus was bent close working on it.

“ _Garrus. Didn’t waste any time getting to work, I see._ ”

“ _After what I’ve been through lately, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation. Gives me something to focus on._ ”

“ _We’re going to need you for more than your aim._ ” It was close to the beginning of our galactic efforts, just after we’d picked him and the Primarch up on Mena.

“ _Oh, I’m ready for it, but I’m pretty sure we’ll still need giant guns, and lots of them._ ”

“ _Can’t argue with that_.”

I watched his form shift uncomfortably for a moment and I couldn’t help but find it endearing. “ _Yeah, so… is this the part where we… shake hands? Wasn’t sure about the protocol on reunions, or if you even still felt the same way about me._ ” He reached up to his damaged mandible, his voice taking on a more teasing tone. “ _The scars are starting to fade. I remember they drove you wild._ ” I hear myself laughing, but he takes a step closer and he goes serious again. “ _But I can go out and get all new ones if it’ll help_.” It was obvious even then that the relationship meant a lot to him.

“ _I haven’t forgotten our time together._ ” I sound teasing, but I know myself enough to tell just how glad I was he was onboard.

“ _Well, I’ve been doing some more research on Human customs. I didn’t want to… presume-_ ” I cut him off by pulling down on his carapace and kissed him on his scarred mandible.

“ _That’s the protocol on reunions_.”

He stayed in close. “ _The vids mentioned it might go something like that. I had hoped it would. I mean, I didn’t know…_ ”

I let my hand fall, the other rising to catch both of his and held them between us, my own voice turning solemn and serious. “ _I can’t promise how things will work out… not with this war… but I missed you Garrus. I thought about you a lot._ ”

“ _Glad to know my romantic, uh… skills made an impression. Because it’s going to take a lot more than Reapers to come between this cross-species liaison_.”

I stopped the vid, still feeling the deeper rumble of his sub-vocal even through a recording. I’d seen everything I needed to. His presence had never been a distraction. It was like Mordin had tried to tell me, Garrus had been a reason for me to keep fighting, harder and harder. He had been my reason to win. The rest of it… the rest I wanted to hear from him.


	11. Chapter 11

It had been horrible to see what was happening to all those refugees, just trying to protect their families. How could the Illusive man still say that he was working in humanity’s best interest when he authorized so many of them being turning into the very things that we were fighting against. It was a relief to hear Hackett agree that what Sanctuary had learned was not worth the price they paid, especially when we were struggling to save even the small percentage we could.

Hackett had ordered us back to the Citadel for repairs and mandatory shore leave before we pursued the tracer Miranda had managed to put on Kai Leng. While I’d wanted to argue, not wanting to give them any more time, I knew that not many on board were in the right frame of mind to go up against Cerberus yet. Morale needed boosting and it was about time I gave something back to the crew for all they had done.

One in particular.

I sat down at my terminal and opened a private message. It took several tries, and when I had rewritten it the fifth time I finally settled on what I had.

_Garrus,_

_I was hoping to talk to you. If you are willing I will be in my cabin for the duration of our return to the Citadel._

_Shepard_

Not desperate or demanding, an invitation not an order. I let out an uncertain breath and hit send. No going back now. Closing my messages I was left looking at the paused surveillance vid. Even through the angle and quality of the vid I could see the looks on our faces, so close and hopeful, even surrounded by so much devastation.

It made me feel guilty, that I could forget everyone else for even that moment, but the more I studied his face the more I came to realize what it was I _should_ be fighting for.

I lost time just staring at his features and wondering what I would say when he came. _If_ he came. Only when my neck went stiff did I glance at the clock and see how much time had passed. An hour and nothing. An invitation could be refused after all… And I wouldn’t subject him if it wasn’t what _he_ wanted.

Rubbing the sore muscle, I stood and turned away from the vid while still leaving it open. Even if he didn’t come, I had made my own decision and even if I felt the sting of rejection I would stick to it, though it would only be fitting for me to learn my lesson too late once again. Turning out of my office and toward the rest of my quarters, in search of some debrief to distract me for a time, I almost stumbled on the steps when my door chimed a request for entry.

I tried not to get my hopes up when I called “it’s open”, but I felt the tremor run across my shoulders and down my spine just the same. It settled in my gut when the doors parted and his eyes instantly found mine. We were both frozen where we were for a long moment before I finally broke the tension.

“I… didn’t think you’d come.”

His shoulders still seemed tense, but he stepped through the door, not answering until it closed behind him. “I wasn’t sure either.”

I let my eyes drop to the floor, nodding in understanding as I rose back to the landing and turned to face him fully.

“Thank you. I know it’s…” My voice died for a moment, the platitudes not sounding right. I let out a short sigh of frustration at my own ineptness, suddenly realizing I had come to no conclusion on how to say what I wanted to.

His form shifted and I let my eyes meet his again, ready for anger or annoyance, even a blank stare of indifference. What I wasn’t expecting was the same flicker of hope I’d seen in the Mess outside of the Liara’s room. It seemed contagious, allowing me the courage to take a step closer. His proximity made my heart beat harder, but I ignored it rather than restrained, this time fighting against what I had drilled into my head over so many years.

“I was wrong,” his eyes narrowed on me, but I forced myself to keep going. “About a lot of things.” My own gaze shifted over past the dividing wall and his followed until it found my terminal. Look back at him, I saw his eyes narrow further before he turned and stepped up behind the chair, leaning down to look at the vid he seemed to doubt he recognized. I was thankful I hadn’t closed it out yet. He made a sound that I could only interpret as shock, turning back to scrutinizing me again, more closely this time.

“Mordin tried to tell me before he sacrificed himself, even Liara had brought it up before the coup, but I pushed it all aside because I was so certain.” I shifted my own gaze back to the screen, studying again the look he had given me and I gave voice to what I had realized was my biggest mistake. “I thought the Leviathan had given me a chance to fix something I had done wrong, but _they_ are the ones who are wrong.”

His movement caught my eyes and I looked back up to his now unreadable gaze as he slowly crossed back towards me.

“Your presence in my life in not a distraction or weakness. You are not a risk of me failing the mission.” My heart thumped harder and he came to tower over me again, but this time it was telling me I was right and I finished with conviction. “You are the reason I have to succeed. To me, you represent everything I have to fight for.” His eyes were wide and his hope brimmed to the surface, giving the last push I needed to say it out loud. “I love you, Garrus Vakarian, and I’m not afraid of that anymore.”

His mandibles flung out to the sides, like they had when I’d first woken up in the Med Bay after all this started. He surged forward and my breath caught, ready for him to close the distance between us. But he stopped just shy, his hand hovering close to my face, and I could see the conflicting emotion drag his joy back down. My heart dropped with it.

I nodded in understanding again, stepping back to remove his temptation and trying not to show my disappointment. After everything, what he’d said before was still true. “I’m not the same person. Even if I look the same, sound the same… _feel_ that same… I’m not the Shepard you fell in love with.” I reiterated his words, turning back towards the vid. “I’m not her.” It was a sigh of defeat, but I wouldn’t let him feel guilty for it. “This is completely unfair to you, this whole situation has been, and I won’t ask anything of you. I’m not even sure what it is that I want.” I looked back at his torn expression and wondered if it might do us both some good. “If you are willing to just sit and talk for a while, we can try to figure it out for the both of us.”

He hesitated and I swallowed down the hollow feeling in my stomach. Instead I force as genuine of a smile as I could. “I understand. Thank you, for at least listening. And I promise to do my best in this fight, for you and her.” I gesture to the vid one more time before turning away, closing my eyes to keep the moisture at bay until he left. Yet, even through the pain, I felt somehow lighter and ready to take on whatever else our enemies would throw at us. I had briefs on Reaper movement and a requisition list to distract myself with until we reached the Citadel.

“Shepard.”

I stopped halfway across my room, my heart skipping a few beats at the sound of his dual tones ringing out around my name. I took a few calming breaths before turning back towards him. His eyes watched me for another moment before stepping forward and starting down the steps. Having already resigned myself to the possibility of a broken friendship and no chance for whatever else we had wanted once, it was overwhelming. I couldn’t stop the shuddered breath that shook the tears from my eyes and I immediately covered my face from his view, still embarrassed by the show of weakness in front of him.

I tried to turn back around, but in a few quick steps he crossed the room and his arms wrapped around me, giving me permission to fall apart, if only just for now. And once that permission had been given there was little I could do to stop it from flowing out. My hands left my face, allowing me to melt into the crest of his armor, and they returned the tightness of his own grip. Thankfully, I still had control enough to keep them away from his waist. Still, it was the most comfort I could remember feeling in a very long time.

It took longer than I would have wanted to admit, but he didn’t seem to mind standing there and simply holding me until my breath returned to normal and my tears finally stopped. When I pulled back, he hesitated for a long moment before fully releasing me, but I knew that was his own lost hope for her not wanting to let go. I didn’t let it hurt me, instead wiping my damp face and letting myself smile at simply being close to him again.

“I guess I needed that.” He made a low, amused but comforting tone that made me want to lean closer to him. Instead I turned towards the couch and offered him a place to sit. Putting a full cushion between us, I sat down facing slightly towards him only to realize I was back to not knowing what it was I wanted to say. It’s only when his gaze drops that I realize my hands are twisting around each other, as they often did when I was nervous and not in Commander mode.

His mandibles give a slight flutter, like an endearing smile, and my cheeks flush as I force them apart. “You know so much more about me than I’m used to.” The smile faded and I immediately regretted the comment, trying to think of anything to lighten the atmosphere again. “I guess, after everything, you’ve probably earned an unfair advantage.”

It was quiet for a few long moment before he spoke again. “I’m not the only one this situation has been unfair to. I was hurting and that blinded me to your own struggles. I can’t imagine how confusing it must have been for you too.”

I couldn’t help the small smile, appreciating his understanding. “I’m sure I could have handled it better… without hurting you so much in the process.”

“It’s not like we’ve ever run into something like this before. Forgetting pieces of yourself is one thing, but remembering something else that didn’t happen…” He made another amused sound. “It’s just like you to get into situations no one has ever even heard of before.”

A short laugh forced its way out. “Liara called me a trail-blazer.” He laughed too, but it was still a subdued sound. I let my eyes wander around the room, glad for the comfortable feeling but still unsure what else to say. Until my eyes landed on the back of my terminal through the glass. “I wish I was more like her.”

“Liara?”

“No,” I guested at the terminal “ _your_ Shepard. I like what I’ve seen… the way people talk about her.”

“About you.” I shake my head, my gaze falling back to my hands. “I don’t think you’re as far off from her as you think. This situation has been stressful for you too and you’ve reverted back to your strict professionalism. Thinking about it now, it’s the same as when I first joined you aboard the original Normandy. But you said yourself that you bonded with your second crew more before the Collector Base. It’s all there, you just have to get back to that.”

Hope surged for a moment before it extinguished with a sigh, remembering how everyone had been avoiding me since the Leviathan. “Things have changed, maybe too much. They don’t look to me the way they used to. I can tell even without remembering all of it. I’ve pushed them away too much, and I don’t know if there is time to fix it.”

He leaned closer, resting one of his hands on my own, and I had to remind myself to focus on what he was saying. “You agreed to this shore leave, use the time to spend it with the crew and let them know you want it back. They want it too. They’ll understand.”

At some point my eyes had lifted back to his and the reassuring flutter to his mandibles made me smile. Turning my hands in his grip I closed my fingers loosely around two of his, savoring his warmth even through his armored gloves, and letting hope swell again.

“And what about you? What do you want?”

His mandibles dropped slightly, losing their own vigor, and his hand slowly slipped free of mine. My heart twisted, but I let him retreat.

“I… I don’t know. I think right now I need time to work that out for myself. I’m sorry but if we talk about me I’m likely to not think straight.” 

Flattering but disparaging, I gave him a genuine if not sad smile. “Got it; no fly zone.”

“Thanks, Shepard.”


	12. Chapter 12

My Clone was dead and Brooks, or whoever she was, was in custody. It had been an unexpected mission that had brought everyone together as a team again and put all of it into glaring perspective. That was what had brought me around the end of the Hammerhead, after Brooks had been escorted out and Joker had retaken the helm and turned us around. I had slipped out of sight unnoticed, but always in my moments of self-doubt, shoulders slumped and posture everything but defeated, was when Garrus chose to find me.

First instinct when he rounded the shuttle told me to straighten up, pretend everything was fine and excuse myself. But it was more than just the knowing look on his face that had my posture slumping back down. If I wanted to get back to what we had, as friends or any possibility of more, I couldn’t keep hiding from him. I averted my eyes, but didn’t turn away from him, and he took it as permission to sit beside me.

At first I thought he would say something, but he just sat next to me in comforting silence. It seemed even now that we were past platitudes. He was simply offering me an ear if I needed one, and company if I wanted it. The warm feeling in my chest answered for me and I let the question burning at me rise to the surface.

“Is that how they’ve seen me since Leviathan?” I glanced at him as he waited for clarification. “That… cold and withdrawn?”

He hummed for a moment, but didn’t have to give it much thought. “Withdrawn, maybe, but never cold.” I slumped a little further and I felt a hand rest against my armored shoulder. “They care, they just didn’t want to upset you. Didn’t know what they could say or do for you without making it worse.” His hand left my shoulder and I felt them lift a little higher on their own. “Just talk to them, you’ll see.”

I let myself smile for a moment. “Thanks, Garrus.” But when he stiffened beside me, I realize I’d moved to lean against him without even realizing it. It’s instantly awkward. He doesn’t move away, but I can feel how tense he is even through the armor. Without making it more uncomfortable, I take an audible breath and rise to my feet again, straightening my posture with only a little effort. One last open smile for him and I move back towards the rest of the squad, hoping I hadn’t just put him off of… everything.

I do not focus on him when he eventually followed me, instead turning my attention to Cortez and the diagnostics he is running with EDI. The ship is in roughly the same shape as when we’d arrived, only a few more scrapes and bruises to mend with the other repairs Hackett had been planning. At the sound of the docking clamps locking back into place, Cortez stepped with me over towards the cargo ramp I had almost fallen out of.

“The rest of the squad’s waiting outside, Commander. We’ll have the Normandy back in shape in no time.”

I let my own armored hand rest against his shoulder in thanks, giving him a grateful smile. “Appreciate it.”

His own smile is broad, but he only nods before turning back toward another terminal. Turning myself towards to docks, I see several faces watching me, hope seeming to rise in all of them as they watched the exchange. It becomes more contagious as I walk down the ramp, thankful not to be rolling this time and join them on the docks. The whole squad stands around me for a long moment, waiting for me to say something.

For a moment I panicked, not sure how to admit the mistakes I’d made or tell them that they were what had set me apart in the end. To tell them I wanted to make up for the time that had been taken from us. But by the looks on their faces I was clear, they didn’t want any mushy apology. Like Garrus had said, they just needed to know that I was ready to come back.

I felt the warmth in my smile as I lifted my arms to the Citadel, gesturing for them all to follow me. “Come on. Maybe we can take some actual time off. No explosions or anything. Just us.”

Each of them smiled in turn and I knew they had understood.

“I don’t know about ‘no explosions,’ but ‘just us’ sounds perfect.” Wrex brought a laugh out of everyone and I didn’t have to try to join in, it just felt right. Several splintered off, returning to the shore leave they had already been on when the chaos started, but this time it didn’t feel like avoidance. They were as open as Garrus had said they were, and his own expression was the Turian equivalent to _I told you so_ when he too went his own way.

It was only Joker and Wrex that made it all the way back to the apartment with me, thought it almost felt more like a self-appointed guard detail. But despite the intended formality, what stood out was the fact that they cared enough to do it. Even inside, Wrex didn’t seem to relax until she had scanned around the entire room and given studious looks out each of the picture windows. Joker on the other head, followed me to the kitchen with a plan of his own.

“So, after a hard day spent fighting an evil clone, you know what comes next?”

“A nap?” I had a feeling I knew where he was going, but decided to play dumb just to give him the excitement of saying it himself.

“Please. We party down.”

We both turned when Wrex spoke up, finally satisfied enough at the safety of my location. “Well, I gotta get going. Things to settle up before I head back to Tuchanka. Always fires to put out when you’re in charge, right?” I nodded to him as he headed back for the door, but he had his own wicked glint in his eye as he smiled back. “Let me know if you wanna hang out, or if you’re having that party.”

“See ya.” Joker waved and I couldn’t help but feel that might have been a strategic move. Still, I had no reason to deny them their fun, especially if it helped me to reconnect with my crew again.

“So, a party, huh?”

“Well, no pressure. No one’s going to _make you_ throw a party.” I could hear the insincerity in his voice, but also knew he wouldn’t be setting me up if he felt things were still too tense. It was another sign of things going in the right direction and I had no intention of stopping them.

“All right, good idea. Let’s set it up.

I also jumped when Glyph came flying out from the direction of the office to hover next to us. “I’ve channeled discretionary funds into your account for the purchase of any celebratory supplies, Commander.”

Joker was busy tapping away on his Omni Tool, clearly too happy with himself. “Okay. EDI and Cortex and Traynor are in.” I raise my eyebrow at his blatantly inviting people over without checking first. “What?”

“I’ve also informed Dr. T’Soni about any potential upcoming celebrations.” Glyph joined in again and I knew I had to put a stop to it before the entire Citadel was getting invited.

“Isn’t the host supposed to be in charge of the guest list?”

Joker only shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, so there’s no uninvite button on this thing.”

I couldn’t help laughing as I shook my head. “They would all be on the list anyway, but I’ll invite the rest.”

His Omni Tool lit up again and he grimaced. “Cortex just invited James, so…”

“That’s fine.”

A larger smile split his face as he turned back toward my door, clearly satisfied with the turn of events. “I’m going to go out and see how much trouble I can get into without snapping a femur.”

I waved after him as Glyph hovered closer. “Members of your crew have expressed interest in spending time without you, Commander. The terminal here has been linked to your private terminal to see any messages. If you require activities, Silversun Strip has an arcade in addition to the casino. You have also been granted a complimentary pass to the combat simulator.”

I turned towards the office, growing excited to see who had already reached out. “Thanks Glyph. Guess I should take full advantage of this shore leave.”


	13. Chapter 13

It had been a successful few days. From drinks with Wrex to watching Fleet and Flotilla with Tali, or catching a Biotiball game with Vega and Cortez. I had managed to spend valuable time with each of my crew, old and current, and they all now filled my apartment. The party was turning out to be the perfect accumulation, the level of energy rising with each drink opened and people enjoying themselves without holding back. Morale was definitely on the upswing.

But what drew my attention more than head-butting or pushup contests, was the effort Garrus seemed to be making to catch my attention throughout the evening. Leaning closer than necessary when we were both involved in a conversation or the shift in his eyes as he caught me across the room. It made my stomach do flips, but it was hard to tell if they were from excitement or nerves. Some physical part of me seemed to remember it was a good thing, but I couldn’t help wondering if I was just misreading him. Instead of dwelling or making a fool of myself by asking, I spread out, making sure to spend even more time with everyone and make sure they were all having a good time.

It was as I was leaving the bar-turned shooting gallery, heading towards the bathroom I’d heard Grunt had collapsed in, that I jumped at his familiar hand taking hold of my elbow. He was standing just outside the archway at the base of the stairs, looking like he’d been waiting for me. When he seemed certain he had my attention, he tilted his head towards the empty office, silently asking me to join him.

My heart immediately jumped into my throat, not allowing me to vocalize an answer, so I nodded in response and followed his lead. Glancing over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching us, I stepped through the doorway and found myself alone with him. But as nervous as I felt at the suddenly intimate feeling of the room, despite the number of people inhabiting the apartment outside of it, he seemed completely collected and unhesitant as he spoke.

“I’ve done my thinking and I’ve decided you were right about not wanting to have any regrets. I know _you_ don’t remember that conversation, but we could be heading into the final battle after we deal with Cerberus, and…” his voice caught for a moment as a tremor wracked his shoulders. “After watching someone who looks exactly like you fall to their death… I know I would regret it if we didn’t try again, and I don’t want to miss our chance.” I could practically feel his own hope reflected in my eyes as he looked between them, taking my hands in his and I couldn’t help squeeze back on the warmth they radiated. “If you’re okay with it, I would like to spend some time alone when you won’t be missed.”

Heat instantly flooded my body, but I no longer had any desire to fight it, instead I was fighting the urge to drag him upstairs then and there _despite_ the party. While I was still mentally nervous about being different species, my body couldn’t still remember that he had found a way to make it work. A very successful way if the heat my blood was carrying said anything. But despite all of that, my heart was still hammering away in my throat as his eyes bored hopefully into mine, waiting for my answer. I could only nod again, feeling a smile splitting my face as his own mandibles fluttered out wide.

But it was gone with a gasp as he bent down and let the plating of his forehead rest against mine. I recognized the gesture from so many of the vids I had watched of us, and even more than seeing it I could _feel_ the intimacy of it. My breath left in a shudder when he pulled back, smiling almost suggestively before turning back towards the door an leaving me alone to try and collect myself. Even if everyone had known and supported our relationship, the last thing I needed was to be around them when they were drunk, blushing like a school girl with a crush. 

Of course it made no difference when I kept finding his eyes on me, even more than before, and now I knew I wasn’t misunderstanding him. I did my best to ignore him and return to hosting the party, spending more time with _all_ of my crew. After finally checking in on Grunt, somehow passed out in the shower, and making sure he wouldn’t drown or rust in his armor, more alcohol was opened and the music was turned up for dancing atmosphere.

When I had aided EDI in getting Joker drunk enough to dance with her, I turned towards the large group dancing in a circle in the kitchen. Stepping even with all of them, I received knowing looks from Jack, Garrus and Tali through her helmet. My reputation for dancing had always been a horrible one, but as wrong as it was I had never bothered to correct it. At first it was out of professionalism, but even I remembered it becoming an inside joke with the crew on our chase of the Collectors. They could tell it was intentionally done, but it lifted their spirits none the less. With some unwitting encouragement from the new crew I decided it would be another good gesture to reassert the relationship I wanted to have with each of them.

With a nonchalant shrug, I stepped into the middle of the circle and started to move around in an awkward manner, bicycling my hands and twisting from side to side while keeping a straight on confident expression. The room around me immediately erupted in laughter and a few gasps of surprise. They all continued to dance, far more gracefully, but with their attention entirely on the spectacle I was making.

“Ha! Captain on deck!” Cortez was clapping with encouragement while behind me I heard Traynor’s disbelief.

“Has she always been like this?”

I can just hear the laughter in Tali’s voice, not missing a beat to keep the game running. “Shepard is saving the galaxy. You’ll have to forgive a few… eccentricities.”

“It’s… very enthusiastic.” Traynor has obviously bought it hook, line and sinker, but it took serious effort to keep it going when Samara pitched in and called it _impressive_.

“We should record this and broadcast it for the Reapers. They’ll either run away, melt down or fall in love!” I couldn’t help the half angry, half amused glare I through at Garrus, but it only made his mandibles flutter harder in a broad smile.

“Good to see some things don’t change.” While Jack had not been aboard the Normandy for the Leviathan problem, her sentiment was instantly shared among the group, bringing another layer of warmth to the room. Maybe Garrus had been right about not having changed as much as I thought.

“Well I like it, Commander. It’s good to see you cut lose now and then.” There was a knowing tone to Cortez’s voice, he probably suspected it was a show but also understood the intention. Still, it was worth it to see them all laughing, even if it was at my expense.

“Thank you for all your loyalty and support.”

When the movements started to feel too awkward, I came to a stop, to a chorus of disappointment, but I waved them off as I left the circle. Garrus caught my eye with a look that said _soon_ , mandibles fluttering again when I felt my face heat up and I immediately moved to leave the kitchen, only to be stopped by Glyph floating up to me,

“Would you care for a memento of this evening, Commander? My surveillance equipment includes state of the art cameras. Please gather everyone by the living room couch if you are ready.”

“That’s a really good idea.” I raised my voice so the whole apartment could hear me, even over the music. “Hey, everyone. Come down to the living room for a minute.” When confused faces started appearing, I waved my arm to call them over. “Let’s get a photo to remember this. Arrange yourselves on the sofa.”

“What a great idea, I want a copy.”

“Make way. Make way!”

Everyone clamored around and my stomach jumped up into my throat when Garrus took the seat next to me at the center of the couch. My voice almost stuttered when Glyph hovered over the fireplace. “O-Okay, everyone. Say _Normandy!_ ”

The whole group shouted together, “Normandy!” but I felt my eyes drifting over to Garrus, sitting far closer than we had been in my cabin. His own gaze was turned towards me as well and when our eyes met warmth flooded my body again. I couldn’t help smiling, but then everyone else was cheering and standing up. The picture had already been taken and I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off him long enough to even look at Glyph.

I felt the blood rushing to my face again, but before I could go and find a place to hide, I felt his hand take hold of mine. Everyone else was disbursing back around the apartment and I can already hear the music volume turning back up and more bottles of alcohol being opened. We were alone on the couch and no one else had seemed to notice. Turning back towards him, his eyes flicked up to the second floor, where my bedroom was, before meeting mine again with a questioning stare.

My heart started drumming hard in my chest and I couldn’t force any sound to come out of my throat. Then he was standing, still holding my hand, and pulled me off the couch. Letting go, he took a step toward the stairs and waited for my brain to catch up with what my body was demanding. It only took a second before I practically stumbled after him, making our way through the apartment unnoticed.

When we reached the room and stepped inside, I was immediately pushed against the door as it closed, his firm mouth plating forcing my lips open and his mandibles flair as his tongue finds mine. My first realization is that I can taste the alcohol on his breath and it makes me hesitate, the second is that his normally sure hands are fumbling with my clothes. Somewhere in my mind I know that that is unusual, disappointment seeping in and dampening the fire. Brining my hands up to his shoulders I push him away slightly, breaking the clumsy contact between us.

His eyes instantly look pained and I know he thinks I’m pushing him away, rejecting him again. I drop my hands to his arms, still holding him close but encouraging him to look at me. He looks between my grip and my eyes and I can tell his own are slightly unfocused around his growing confusion. It only made me more certain about having to ask.

“Garrus… are you sure? I mean, you’ve been drinking…”

Understanding dawned and the worry melted away instantly, mandibles flaring wide in a renewed smile. “I’m sure, Shepard. I’m not drunk, and I know what I want.” At his words his own hand comes up to hold my face, fingers long enough to reach back into my hair and start to lose it from its fastening. My body demands adamantly that my brain shuts up and follows his lead. Leaning towards him again, his whole hand slips back into my hair as it lets go, falling down my back as he takes hold of it to pull my mouth back against his. This time I ignore the taste and focus on his texture. As strange as it feels, my lips and tongue seem to know the path to follow through his plating and scars and I do my best to let them. My hands come up to hold his waist through the flexible part of his armor and his responding groan is audible.

His other hand is back at my clothes, navigating them more successfully this time as he starts backing toward the bed and pulling me with him. As I step after him and out the pants that are suddenly around my ankles, my own hands find themselves crossing his chest plate until I feel a small catch beneath my fingers. Hooking it on instinct and giving a pull, I hear the seal of his armor hiss as it starts to loosen on him and I can’t help pulling back in shock. He senses it and pauses with me for a moment before smiling down at me and moving his own hands to fully remove the armor.

I can’t help but glance down at my own, still baffled by the feeling of them knowing more than I do. When his hands take mine again, he guides them through the opening of his under suit and against his bare chest plating. It’s familiar and strange at the same time, and I make an effort to pull my thoughts back and just let my hands follow their own rhythm. He releases the clasps on the rest of his armor as my hands try to work his suit away from his crest and shoulders, catching on the small spurs at his elbows before his arms are finally free.

Almost impatient, he removes the rest of the suit himself before returning his attention to my shirt. As he finds a way to raise it up and over my head while barely touching me with his claws, I look down at the shifting in his plates, making room for his member to start sliding out. What I could see looks relatively standard for a phallus, though it’s shaped more elliptically to fit through the parting of his plates. There are some bumps under the skin and it gets wider as more of it slides out. It is also wet with his own lubrications, but nothing that makes me overly concerned about him fitting.

When my bra suddenly loosens around my chest, I realize I’m almost completely naked in front of my best friend of a very different species. My brain it telling me to be uncomfortable at the same time my body is unashamedly trying to seek out his warmth. Finally agreeing that my brain should shut up before it psych’s me out, I wrap my arms around his waist, where I already know it affects him, and pull him close to me. His heat burns through my own embarrassment and his dual tones flanging out as his member slides the rest of the way out to press low against my stomach. I finally feel his talons as his hands flex against my shoulders before they continue their path down to my underwear, the only material left between us.

But feeling the wet heat of him sitting so high against me only makes me nervous all over again. Even among shorter and taller Humans there can be difficulties, how had we managed to… before I could finished the thought he sat down on the edge of the bed while his hands slide the last material off my hips and reveals all of me directly in front of him. But before my brain can overpower how good I’m feeling, his hands are back on my hips, guiding me to step between his legs and out of the material. Sliding the rough texture of his palms around my thighs feels both new and normal, causing a shiver of excitement and nerves to race up and down my spine. His laugh is warm, making me feel almost normal again, until he grips and guides me to straddle across his lap.

I grip his shoulders against the sudden surge of pleasure as his wetness rests right against where I can’t deny I need it to be. My face heats but I no longer feel embarrassment when he guides my legs further apart before easily lifting me. Yet my brain surges back to the forefront when I feel him slip back slightly and his tip rests against my opening. He holds me there, looking between my eyes for a moment, but I clamp my mouth shut to keep my worries from spilling out and ruining the happiness I can see on his face. It only spreads more at my silence and he starts slowly lowering me onto him. My eyes stay locked on his as he spears and spreads me, and I’m fully expecting to feel the painful stretch of someone who hasn’t had sex in a long time. It’s a shock when he seats me fully and I only feel the welcome fullness. The tension vanishes so quickly I almost fall backwards off his lap and onto the floor, but his strong arms wrap around me, holding close enough I can feel his heat while not to rubbing uncomfortably against his plating. Finally my brain is catching up and joining the party, wondering why I had waited so long to accept this… accept _him_.

It surprised me that it was my hips that started to move first, grinding against him, but as soon as I did his own started to thrust back, the shape of his legs giving him more leverage than a Human’s would in this position. I was relieved that it took some pressure off of me, but my thoughts quickly shifted to the friction of him sliding so easily in and out of me. There was no catching of skin or plates because of the fluids he was producing, but it did nothing to dampen the effects it was having on my insides. The shape and texture were a noticeable difference, but he was clearly practiced enough at finding all the right nerve endings that brought sparks of white to my vision.

My hands fumbled at his shoulders, finding a grip on his crest and arms as my breath came in heavy gasps and my hips matched his rhythm without being given that command. It felt like I was losing control of my body again, but his own moan, sounding closer to a growl with his flanging vocals, erased those fears. When one of his hands let go, I arched to change the angle and let my head fall back again, still supported by his strength. I’m not sure which it was that caused me to moan louder for him, but his answer back was almost animalistic. Yet there was something that seem… wanting. Looking back at him, begging with my eyes since I couldn’t get my vocals to cooperate any more, I was thankful when his other hands took one of my wrist and began to guide it. When we reached the back of his neck I remembered what had happened when I’d kissed him in my cabin and took over the journey myself, diving up under his lifting fringe and digging in. He moaned a new, thrusting even harder. I could start to feel chaffing from the plates on top of his thighs, but I didn’t bother telling my body to slow down, not wanting to stop the sounds he was making for me.

Unfortunately he did seem to notice, but instead of stopping he thrust even harder, ripping a broken gasp from me as he lifted high enough to roll us over without having to pull out. As distracting as it was, I noticed the edge of the bed just beneath me and looked down to find him kneeling on the floor. It put him at just the right height, but drew his neck and fringe out of my reach for the moment. I was left to fist my hands in the sheets at my sides, his pace never wavering. He seemed to answer to my own pleasure, the rumble in his chest starting to reverberate in my own. Changing his grip on my left knee, he listed and pushed it further into the bed, once again changing his angle and causing me to arch off the bed. He gained more depth, stinging for a moment before I adjusted to him, gasping and moaning as I already started to convulse around him.

He growled in return and leaned down to flick his tongue against the hardened peak of my breast, his thrusting only gaining in ferocity as the wonderful kind of tension broke around him, gripping him even harder within me. Then I was instantly gripping him again, hardly coming down from my first release before the next started. His own tones shifted as his rhythm started to deteriorate. I could hardly come down at all with his pace, sweat slicking my skin and my breath coming out it pants as he drove in harder. My hands were traveling across his arms, one of the only places I could reach, but it seemed as though they found some softer spots in his armor, pressing in and making his thrusts stagger even more. It surprised me when I felt him tense up as well, thrusting slower a few times before pulling out and getting to his feet. But before I could start to panic at his quick finish and retreat, he rolled my body over and propped my knees against the bed where my hips had previously been. Before I could even start to ask or comprehend, he was thrusting back into me at full speed.

I couldn’t help screaming out my pleasure, trying hard to bury it in the sheets beneath me as my whole frame shook against him. He growled louder behind me and I felt him bend over my back before he took a gentle hold of my hair again, turning my face to the side so he could hear me, without so much as slowing his thrusts. I gasped and arched at the feeling on my scalp, but it only fueled the fire roaring already within me again. Shifting to my shoulder, he pulled me up into his chest, changing his angle once again and sending spasms up my spine.

Needing to do _something_ to reciprocate, I reached a hand behind and took hold of his waist, dragging my nails against it as I squeezed. It was a true roar than shook my eardrums, his other hand wrapping under my arm and taking hold of my shoulder, increasing his leverage to pull me back even harder into his thrusts. I could feel the rough plating of his mandible against the bend in my neck, his hot breath panting across the sweat chilled skin and heightening my senses even further. I didn’t know what else to do with myself, so I kept gripping his waist and shifting my other hand to his neck and he took hold and fully supported my weight.

I felt his mandible pinching my shoulder, just the barest brush of his teeth as he gripped me even harder, his thrusts becoming irregular again. I knew I would be battered and bruised in the morning, but as yet another orgasm tore through me I knew even when I woke I wouldn’t mind. He seized within again, holding me close to him this time, but his thrusting still barely slowed as his warmth spilled into me. How many times could Turians go? Just what had I gotten myself into?

It barely registered when he did pull out, letting me fall back to the bed only to roll me over again. There was shifting around me until I felt him grip and lift my hips to slide pillows underneath them. My hips so high felt strange, until he moved between them again and I felt his heat back at my core. Still sensitive from, was it the third or fourth reentry, I shuddered as he slid back into me, slower this time but still hitting all the same places with expert marksmanship. One of his arms came to rest beside my head, the other taking hold of my hip so I didn’t slid off the pillows as he began thrusting again.

My throat was raw but I kept moaning my pleasure, hoping that he was feeling as good as I was. But it all felt rather one sided. I tried again to reach for him, but my hands on his chest seem to do little for him. They wanted to roam on their own and find the places they knew without me, but I had no control left to help them. I tried to find his eyes again, to ask for some assistance in helping him feel just as good. But, instead of guiding me, he closed his own eyes against it. My gut clenched in a far less pleasurable way, somehow knowing that that wasn’t normal. Needing to hold him somewhere, I returned to his waist, trying desperately to reciprocate, but his eyes didn’t reopen, even as his pace started increasing again. There was nothing more I could do save to hang on and grip him tighter within me.

But I forced my own eyes to stay open and on him, my heart breaking for the almost pained look on his face as he rushed towards his finish, his growl sounding almost frustrated until he finally hit his crest again. Against his ferocity I couldn’t help crashing over the precipice with him yet again. It was almost a relief when he finally slumped, though he seemed to be more defeated than exhausted. Pulling himself free of me was even wetter than his entries, but before I could move he was disappearing into the adjoining bathroom and quickly returning with a towel to clean me up. When he was done he remained wordless as he fetched a few more pillows from the closet and we started rearranging the bed. I put the pillows that had been under me back up at the head as he started stacking the other in a way that would support his carapace, fringe and knee spurs.

Once he had arraigned himself in his little nest, he glanced sideways at me for a long moment before reached out. There was still a sadness in his eyes and I knew something was off, but I followed his request and moved my pillows closer so I could lay my body up against his. It was pleasantly warm against his body heat, but I still pulled the top sheet up around my back so I wouldn’t get cold. Glancing back I found his deep eyes watching me for a moment before he brushed his forehead against mine again and closed his eyes.

He was clearly tired, and I had no way of knowing if that had been a lot for Turian men, so there was no point in bringing it up now. But something was definitely wrong and the sinking feeling in my gut, despite the still pleasurable afterglow in my muscles, told me exactly what it was. He said he didn’t want any regrets, but that was exactly what I saw in his eyes. It felt like a lie to be curled up so close to him, but any movement only tightened his grip around my shoulders. I wouldn’t wake him, but the problem would still be there in the morning.


	14. Chapter 14

For the first time in… probably years that _I_ could remember, I woke up easy with no nightmares. The warmth wrapped around me was probably a good reason why I’d felt so safe and secure through the whole night. But as I shifted and the warmth tightened around me again, it also reminded me of what had really happened last night. Looking up I found him still asleep, looking more peaceful than I’d seen him, at least to my own memory. But it pulled at my heart to know inside that it wasn’t because of me. Managing to loosen his arm enough to slide out of his grip, I set about finding my clothes and redressing.

I had my underwear and pants on and I’d sat down to pull my shirt out from under the bed, however it had gotten there, when I heard and felt movement behind me. Glancing over my shoulder I saw his eyes open and blink against the light for a moment before he tensed and turned, immediately finding me. But, as I feared, when our eyes met he didn’t relax. I relieved him of the strain it seemed to cause, turning back towards my shirt and pulling it back over my head.

The room felt too quiet, as if someone should have broken the tension by a quip about love-em and leave-em. The deafening silence practically was almost enough of an answer, but I had promised to be honest with him… even if it hurt.

“I’m sure it wasn’t what you were used to.” I glance back again, finding shock meeting my eyes and I winced. “I hope I haven’t ruined this…”

It instantly disappeared as he pushed himself up, turning to rest a hand on my shoulder and lift my spirits. “Not ruined, it’s… It’s the same as well as different. Almost like the first time again.” His short laugh had no heart to it and his hand slipped off my shoulder, my heart dropping with it. “I just…” He paused, collecting his thoughts and I waited patiently, expecting the worst. “It _was_ different and it hurt because it was a reminder that I’m still morning _her_.” I turned away, forcing myself to breath slower so it wouldn’t come out in a shudder and biting my lip hard to keep any tears at bay. “If I’m morning her, that means I’m using _you_ …” It broke free and I pushed off of the bed, needing to put some distance between us so I could focus. I hear more movement as he seemed to follow me, rushing to say more. “But I don’t want to lose you either.”

I turned back towards him and found him sitting where I had been, his arms up like he had been reaching for me, but stopped cold at the look on my face. “I’m sorry, this is my fault. You’d been drinking and I never should have let you-”

“No!” He was on his feet so quickly it startled me, taking a step away from his naked form as he towered over me again. “No I don’t regret it, please don’t think that. I just…” He let out a frustrated breath as he ran his talons over the back of his neck. “I want to be fair to both of us. _I_ rushed into this because of what's been going on... maybe I do need more time, but I don’t regret it.”

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I forced myself to nod in acceptance. “Okay.” I tried to hold his gaze but I could tell by his own that he didn’t fully believe me, or at least he could tell that _I_ didn’t fully believe me. It had felt wonderful and so much better than I’d thought it would. I was glad that I could finally let go of my fears, but it only inspired a list of new ones. If it only ended up making us both feel worse, than how could it have been a good idea?

His warm, ungloved hand against my cheek startled me from my darker thoughts, bring my wet eyes up to meet his. His expression was sad for a moment, before he leaned down and pressed his mouth plates to my lips in another kiss, less rushed and more focused than last nights had been, almost tender instead of desperate. I opened my eyes when his hand touched my cheek again and found him watching me with none of the pain I’d seen before.

“I do not regret sleeping with you, Kara.” What breath I had held onto caught in my throat, tingling sensations racing down my spine at the sound of my name from his voice. His mandibles fluttered knowingly before he pressed his forehead against mine. “I didn't mean to hurt you. Just give me a bit more time.”

 _Time_. The one thing that was in short supply. But I would give him all of it if that was what he wanted. My smile felt more genuine and I took hold of his wrist as I leaned in closer to him. He didn’t tense or pull away, but there was a shudder to his breath that grabbed my attention. Opening my eyes again to watch his face, I pressed the pads of my fingers against the softer underside of his wrist, remembering the move from last night as well. His mouth gaped slightly and his breath gusted over my face before he cracked his eyes to glare almost playfully at me.

“I’ll keep that in mind for next time.” His eyes narrowed, but still kept their spirited glint as I pulled away from him, but he did not follow. “Take all the time you need, Garrus. I’ll be waiting.”

I released him fully and backed away before turning and heading out into the apartment. It was a new concept to me, wanting and waiting for someone, and yet my body seemed to take to it so easily, if not with some hidden measure of impatience. Noise coming from the kitchen was a welcome distraction from my thoughts as I made my way down the stairs.

It was a surprise how clean the apartment seemed, considering how much alcohol and weaponry there had been. Though the same couldn’t be said for all of the attendees. A pained groan pulled me into one of the spare bedrooms as I passed, finding Tali sitting on the bed, rocking back and forth with her arms wrapped around her legs.

Her mask lifted from her knees when I entered, but quickly thunked back down again; hard. “I. Am going. To die.” I wanted to laugh and try and comfort her at the same time, but I didn’t think either would help in her current state. I tried talking in a hushed tone instead.

“Are you alright?”

“I didn’t know you could go through that many toxin filters in one night. And… I remember something about a tattoo. Do I have a tattoo?” I couldn’t hold in a choked laugh, but I winced apologetically when she could only groan painfully in response. “Don’t get me wrong, great party. But ugh!”

“Can I get you anything?”

She shook her head, but stopped when it made her groan again. “Wait… did I notice you and Garrus sneaking off after the group picture?” I couldn’t help the heat in my face when I knew she was eyeing me suspiciously. The unintended response seemed to perk her up a little, even if it was still slow and calculated to cause the least pain. “Then… are you guys back together?”

She sounded so hopeful, but I had wanted to be honest with all of them. And I knew Tali would not want me to hide even my uncertainty from her. I was thankful when she pat the bed next to her and I took a seat, turning towards her as I looked for the right way to explain without too much embarrassing detail. “We… well, we tried. I don’t know if it’s going to work, but… he asked for more time.”

“Oh, Shepard.”

“I’ll give him whatever I can, Tali. I owe him that much after… well, after everything.” I felt her hand rest on my shoulder, but I had also made another promise to myself, even if he didn’t want us to continue, and I wasn’t going to back down now. “Either way, it doesn’t matter.” I took hold of her hand, still on my shoulder, to silence her protest. “Even if he doesn’t want me, he is my reason for fighting. I have to succeed so him, so all of you can live the lives you want you. So you can have your home on Rannoch.”

Her other hand covered both of ours and I could hear her sniffing behind her mask. “Thank you, Shepard.”

I could feel my own emotions brimming without saying it out loud again, but I was thankful they weren’t overwhelming. “You get some more rest, Tali, but don’t forget to eat something.”

“I will, but for now I’ll just be right here.” I stand and move away from her, laughing again when I hear her muttering, “maybe forever. Ugh!”

Stepping back out of the room, I follow the sounds of voices and possible cookware into the kitchen to find James helping himself. The wonderful smells hit me at the same time he looks up and smiles. “Hey Lola, want some eggs?”

“Yeah, I could go for some eggs. Though I hope you’re making enough to go around.”

“Of course I am. Nothing cures a hangover like my eggs.” While I wouldn’t argue the point, his loud calls for everyone to gather may have defeated the purpose. “Liara, eggs? Traynor? Esteban, eggs? Joker? Where is that guy?”

Suddenly curious, I turned back out of the kitchen and went in search of him. It surprised me to find him almost exactly where I’d left him the night before, head down and resting against the cool surface of the bar. At least he seemed coherent enough to notice when I walked up next to him.

“Hey, Commander... Hell of a night.”

“Joker. How you holding up?”

“Well, I’ve managed no to throw up. Feeling pretty good about that.” A clatter sounded from the kitchen and he groaned loud enough to show it had been a struggle. “Ugh! If everyone could just not talk so loudly, that would be great. Or close the cupboards too loud. Or walk too loud. Just-just think quiet thoughts.”

“I guess you should just man up and dance the first time your AI girlfriend asks.” There was a long moment of silence, his eyes struggling to focus before he groans in understanding.

“You two are evil. Ugh!!... Still fun, though.” I laughed softly as I drew away from him again. But as I reached the door way, I turned back.

“Oh, and James is making eggs.”

The dry heave that followed brought a smile to my face as I headed back for the kitchen. “Evil!”


	15. Chapter 15

The final battle had practically begun. Kia Leng was finally dead, Cerberus was in ruins and we were on our way to Earth. The Reapers knew we were coming for the Citadel, the Catalyst to taking them down, and there was nothing left to do except wait until we were close enough to attack. I had spoken to everyone, said good luck and goodbye as it was appropriate for morale, and here I was, back in my room taking what remaining time I had to collect myself.

I was surprised when it was a chime at my door, not Joker over the comms that broke the silence of the room. Glancing at the clock as I called permission to enter I found that we were still a few hours out from our rendezvous with the fleets. “Garrus!” His name slipped out with the same amount of surprise I felt as the doors closed behind him. He didn’t hesitate as he passed my office and started down the steps towards me. While I had spoken with both him and Tali earlier, I had been doing my best to give him space, without avoiding him. He had not come up before hitting the Cerberus base so I had not expected him now, but we had also learned some new detail about my reconstruction from their database. Not wanting to put any pressure on him, I reminded myself that that was probably what he’d come up to talk about.

Raising from the end of my bed, I gestured towards the couches. He surprised me again when he walked right past them and only stopped when he stood directly in front of me. My throat went dry and I felt my arms wanted to reach for him on instinct, but I kept them back, instead feeling my hands come together to fidget between us.

“I guess we, uh, didn’t really get the chance to talk about what we found… at the base.”

His brow plates shifted for a moment before his mandibles fluttered outwards. “That’s not why I’m here, Shepard.” My eyes snapped up to find his. “I meant what I said back there. You’re real. You always have been.” Warmth spread thought me, just as it had on the base. Even in my incomplete memories of our time together, he had made it obvious that he believed me, trusted me from the beginning. But then why… “I wanted to talk to you about us.” My stomach wanted to jump excitedly, like I had butterflies, but my head instantly went to everything that went wrong the last time.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, forcing myself to meet his steady gaze. “There hasn’t been that much time since the party. Are you sure?”

“I don’t think we have much left.” My breath stopped short and I felt fear take hold of my heart.

“I promised you time, Garrus. If you are rushed because of a looming battle then-” I stopped short when his hands took hold of mine, finally stilling their nervous movements.

“I’m certain, Shepard.” His mandibles fluttered for a moment before lowering our hands, though still not releasing them. “I loved her; we both knew that. But we both know that there is no bringing that part of you back after… whatever it was Leviathan actually did. _I_ know that I have to let her go.” My breath all but stops, fighting the strong urge to pull my hands back from him at the rejections I felt coming. But his grip only tightened on me, as if sensing what was racing through my mind, and lifted our joined hands closer to his chest. “But I can also see that there is a lot of her still in you, and I don’t _want_ to let that go.” As beautiful as it sounds, I’m still not sure I fully understand what he is saying. But I don’t trust my voice enough to do anything beyond waiting silently. “As similar as you are, you are also different enough to be your own person, one that deserves love of their own. While I don’t think there is enough time to promise that, and I know it’s not entirely fair, I don’t want to waste any more of the time we have.”

As much as I can feel his words, my brain just can’t seem to put them in order. “Does that mean…”

His mandibles flutter again, releasing one of my hands to raise his to my cheek. “I want the chance to love you again.” I can only blink at him, clearly taking too much time to comprehend what he is saying so directly, his mandibles beginning to twitch nervously as I stare. “Knowing the truth, would you still be interested in some comp-” Finally catching up, I push myself forward and silence him with my lips against his plates. His mandibles flare out wide and I can already feel a strong rumble starting in his chest.

My hands move up to rest against the hide of his neck, above his collar and within the protective circle of his crest and carapace. When his own were released, they slide down to wrap around my waist, holding me tightly against him. Understanding the gesture’s Turian intentions, I hum against him, gasping slightly when his grip tightens in response. It’s his tongue that brushes against my duller teeth as one of hands moves to tangle again in my hair, trying to hold me closer still.

I let my own hands slide down from his neck, feeling his chest plates shifting as he breathes and his muscles move as he holds me. That hold feels far less frantic than it had at the party, but even my lighter touch against his casual clothes increases the sound of the rumble in his chest. The hand still at my waist shifts lower, moving towards the bottom of my shirt and brushing the hem in question.

With a growing smile I step back from his reach, plucking at his own tunic so that he may follow suit as I start to lift mine off my torso. His mandibles flutter again as he complies, and I relies how little I got to study him at the party. I can see how his plating overlaps to protect, but is also more flexible than is usually seemed. When his hands shift to his pants I find mine are following his example eagerly, and I’m curious to find no feelings of embarrassment anymore, too focused on watching him reveal more of himself to me.

Down to his plates and my underwear, I step closer to him, thankful for the heat of his body, as well as in his gaze. He seemed more than happy to be in charge of removing the last pieces, though continuing our slow, almost teasing pace. His hands brushed the sides of my breast as he removed my bra and I was surprised to remember that he hadn’t touched them much at the party, but also that I hadn’t seemed to mind. The feeling of his hands in the material at my hips only brought me to the same conclusion, enjoying the sensations of his hide wherever he decided to touch me.

Stepping out of the last materials, he guided me around him to sit on the bed. Encouraging me to shift slightly, I was surprised when he leaned down over me without reach for any of the pillows. Instead, he trailed his hand gently up my leg, mandibles fluttering when the contact brought delightful shivers through the muscles. Lifting it at the knee, he hooked it over the jut of his hip, effectively raising mine to the level of his. It took effort to maintain until his hand left my knees and wrapped around my lower back to give extra support.

I could see the advantage to the position when I shifted my leg, the friction against his waist dragging a groan from him and his parting plates seeming to pull me open as well. The whimper was completely involuntary, but encouraging enough that he started to emerge. And slip right into me.

My breath caught, back arching even further, and my leg muscles tightened to help bring me even closer to the feeling, which in turn cause more of him to slip free. I could feel his talons at my back, flexing as he fought to keep from thrusting right away, though I didn’t know if it was for my sake or his own. As at the party, the position did little for allowing me to reciprocate, but even with my head in a heated fog I lifted my hands to his chest. It was mostly solid, but I could feel the plates and muscles shifted beneath my touch. I let my hands follow the paths they recognized, while still trying to follow and re-memorize them again.

His hips responded as I found a gap, thrusting involuntarily and causing my leg to squeeze at his waist again. The effects cascaded until we were moving just as quickly as the party, but it still felt different. Then it was like he was trying to pick up wherever they had left off… now he watched me with his icy blue eyes, brushed his forehead against my own when he wasn’t causing me to arch again. There was no impatience when his hand left my back for a moment to move my own, and his moaned words were of encouragement.

At another whisper of my name I contracted around him, earning a growl of release as we came together. But only when I felt his hand at my cheek did I realize my eyes had closed, and opening them that my vision was marred with tears. His taloned thumb was whipping them away, but at the smile I couldn’t contain he seemed to understand. We crashed together again in a desperate kiss and I could feel him practically dragging me across the bed again. When my back was against the sheets and he removed my leg from his waist, I found we were once again at the edge of the bed with him kneeling on the floor.

But this time, with his grip spreading my knees to the sheets, he bent forward to keep his head and neck within my reach, while bringing his mandibles and tongue against the hardened peaks of my breasts. With a gasp at the rough sensation, I immediately put my own reach to good use and let one of my hands find the lift of his fringe. My nails dug in, more gently than a Turian might have, but enough to trigger his thrusting again. My chest was arched further into his tongue's reach and I dragged as sharply against the hide of his neck as I could, earning the sting of his talons again my thighs as a reward. It brought out another whimper, but also led my other hand down to grip his wrist, just as I had promised before. His grips only tightened, and we moaned together as pleasure surged through both of us.

His pace was quickening, becoming erratic again, but I could still tell that he was with me; _me_ , not wishing desperately that I was _her_. The realization sent tremors racing up and down my spine, making me arch and writhe beneath him. His grip tightened again as a lustful growl rolled from his throat and I could only cling back tighter, tipping over the edge again at the sound of him. This thrusts staggered and his weight nearly collapsed on top of me, but his hips only faltered when I felt him break his own crest, pulling me over with him yet again.

He slowed then, once again unlike the party, and looked down at me while lifting his weight away. Meeting my eyes, his mandibles fluttered before he withdrew, offering me a hand to sit up.

“How are you feeling?

I couldn’t help smiling. “Wonderful. What about you?”

His mandibles smiled in return and he pulled me up against him and held me close. “Much better.” And I could tell he meant it. With a hand back at his neck, I lifted to my toes to kiss him again, hoping to put everything I felt for him into it. If his hum was at all telling, he must have noticed, his own hands gripping me tightly until he pulled back again. “What do you want now?”

My experience was limited, but an idea crossed my mind and I smiled. “Sit.” He turned and sat on the edge, but I shook my head, causing him to pause. “Against the headboard.” His eyes seemed to widen for a moment before he moved to comply. I never strayed far, but I felt my skin heating with a blush as I put a knee beside him and threw my other over his lap. His knees bent to protect his spurs angled me towards him, but not enough that I couldn’t get a better look.

He still stood tall, the grey blue color not a surprise, and while I’d felt the shape and the texture, it was different to see the ridges beneath his skin. Reaching down to brush my fingers against them earned both a twitch and low growl, but his glare was playful as his tones flanged out around me. Teasing was not what I hand intended, taking a firm hold of him and watching his eyes almost close against the sensation. Lifting on my knees enough, I use my grip to angle him against my opening and slowly slide down onto him.

His hands rose to my hips again, but his grip was reassuring rather than guiding. I rolled my hips against him and I heard his fringe thunk back against the headboard as he moaned. Encouraged, I continued the motion as I leaned down to him, but I dodged his mouth to instead press my lips against his neck. The angle brought my own in front of him, his warm breath and mandibles flaring against me causing shivers to run down my spine as he moaned in response. My hands followed their path back down to his now bent waist, playing against the edges where his plating lessened against the hide. Even like this his hips could jump and thrust and I leaned my head against his as I moaned his name.

“Spirits, Kara!” It was almost like a prayer, encouraging me to move faster against him, surprising myself that I could rile him just as easily as he had me. But it only lasted for so long before his restraint broke and he used his strength to lift and turn us, his feet hitting the floor and his hips thrusting up off the bed with abandon. His grip on my back saved me from the floor again as I lost my breath, taking in everything he was offering. I seized suddenly, pulling a grunt from him as he fought to continue thrusting through my release, until it seemed too much for him.

He held me even tighter to him as he broke with me, panting as he tried to keep his hands everywhere at once. Still breathing out my name, encouraging the tremors in my spine again, but instead of reheating me I felt the need to just be close. Bringing my hands to his scared mandible, drawing back to look at him, I saw his understanding before he helped me lift off of him. We turned to flop against the sheets, but this time we both moved to help him build his nest. I could hear a more contented hum from him and did not hesitate this time to bring myself against him.

“That was how a first time _should_ be.” I could hear the self-reproach in his sub tones, but I only held him tighter to me, earning an even more please hum in return. Mistakes had been made on both sides. But we were together now and that was what mattered.


	16. Chapter 16

“Come on!”

I throw his arm over my shoulder and haul him as high as I can, half dragging him towards the Normandy as it drops to an extremely low hover only Joker could manage. He’s in bad shape, but he’s fully conscious and struggling to help so I know he’ll be okay. The ramp is steep and each step grows harder, for more than one reason.

“Here, take him.” James turns and I see a moment of understanding and realization in his eyes before he shoulders Garrus’ weight. I take a step back and his sharp blue eyes snap to find mine, instantly trying to move back towards me.

“Shepard.”

“You gotta get out of here.”

“And you’ve got to be kidding me.” His feet are planted, as much as they can be with his weight resting on James.

“Don’t argue, Garrus.”

He tried to move towards me again, causing James to stumble back up the ramp a step. “We’re in this to the end.”

The look in his eyes is desperate and I take the few steps to cross to him. “No matter what happens here, know that I love you. Even Leviathan’s couldn’t stop that.” I raise my armored hand to his scarred mandible, trying to put everything I have into the gesture.

“Shepard I… love you to.” I know he means it, means _me_. Tears threaten my eyes, but I need my vison clear. I also know he sees them, his own hand coming up to grab my wrist and hold me closer. “But, that just proves we belong _together_.”

“I know, Garrus.” I pull my hand away, feeling his reluctance as he releases me and I take a few steps away from the temptation. “Stay alive for me.”

Glancing back towards the fight before me I can see Harbinger, can feel as if he is looking at _me_ and an icy chill hits my spine. Turning back to James I yell for them to go before running back down the ramp and onto the broken concreate. I don’t look back, I can’t. I know I’m doing the right thing, for the mission and the galaxy. Even if I lose him here for good, I would do it all again just knowing that he made it… that he was alive.

 _That’s one thing you didn’t think of Leviathan. A dedicated soldier will fight hard, even to the death, but_ anyone _with something to fight for… their possibilities are endless._

_“Galaxy is too big, too many people. Faceless. Statistics. Easy to depersonalize._  
_Good when doing unpleasant work. For this fight, want personal connection.  
__Can’t anthropomorphize galaxy. But can think of favorite nephew. Fighting for him_.”

– Mordin Solus


End file.
